Saturday, June 8, 2013

Diary oh Diary 7-6-2013

Have you ever missed someone dearly? It's like drinking a glass of cold water that causes brain freeze. All we feel is helplessness waiting for the pain to pass. The difference is, brain freeze is only momentary but this is...a continuous flow of pain.

I tried to drown myself in work just to keep my mind busy but to no avail as she cropped up every now and then. By now and then I mean every few seconds. Then i began to read and reread the conversations we had. To realize what went wrong, I had to visit the past. It was a mistake, I think of her even more  and building the already heavy feelings in my chest. I remember she said when she was in NZ, I didn't called. I did. It was ring ring card I bought and it was not cheap. I called and called and called. and I over reloaded the IDD card which until today, it has much surplus left. Our msn and facebook messages were lengthy and frequent. There was only once I did not replied her on time. The remaining vacant space we didn't said anything to each another was when she went to trip. What went wrong? Why did she said I never kept in touch with her? Did she missed me like I miss her now? Was she facing time distortion like what I'm facing now? Did every of her waking moment she thought of me? And why can't I recall all of these until now? This time instead of feeling accused, I felt stupid.

Lunch today was an involuntary action just like breathing. My hands guided the spoon stuffing whatever my subconscious mind ordered automatically into my mouth before the robotic chewing begun. Swallow followed. I shot out of the office first thing it dismissed to find myself a quite place for a short chill before dinner. I thought of the car but instead I found myself in the toilet vomiting. I think I'm loosing it again. The only cure for all this madness is her voice. And so I called.....

TO MY DELIGHT SHE PICKED UP! We had some short conversation and my mind was fixed. It was like having a jab directly to the heart at the moments of our death and that voice was much needed.

In the end I got myself a movie ticket to release some tension and it was the first time I went into the cinema and came out with the same set of mood. I didn't know what the movie was showing. I kept on pressing the wake button of my phone just to see if there's any message that came in. There wasn't any.

Every waking moment I think of her.

In the office I overheard my colleagues conversation saying, sleep earlier. When we wake up it's already tomorrow. That's how time passed without us aware of it. I'll put it to practice tonight see if really time can heal the wound.

Tonight is another night of good night bidding went unanswered.

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