Friday, June 21, 2013

Diary oh diary 21-6-2013

Dear Diary. This post took me longer than usual to write. It's not like I do not have content, but I have too much going on. For the past 1 week or 2, I have been trying to isolate myself for some thinking and soul searching alone. I have so much to write but I do not know where to start. Today I see more of the messages but not intended to me. I have so much to ask her but I know she won't answer and I no longer have the right to ask.

How is she doing lately? Has work been troubling her on the first day of her return? How was the Korea trip? Is she eating well? Is there anyone to accompany her for dinner tonight? Has her back been aching? All these information were made available for me. It used to, but not now. I wanted to know despite the sour events happened lately. It doesn't matter if she's been saying things that hurt me. It doesn't matter if I'm aching inside. One thing remained, I care for her.

There are many things that have been and should have been that was wrong. I should have pampered her more even when she's not upset. I should have bought her more flowers. I should have selected a dress for her. I should have been more involved in her life. It's not about me anymore, its about her. If god permits us to be together once more, I swear I'll be there for her. To hold her hands through the difficult times, to cheer with her in her joyous moments. I want to create more happy memories with her. 

There's an invite by one of her clubs but I have politely rejected. The honor belongs to her, not me. I wanted to congratulate her for the success, I wanted to be there to clap for her. I have supported her during the course of this year perhaps it was not obvious to her but I've supported her. Maybe I did something made her unhappy so much that it's clouded all the good things I've done for her. I helped her to keep track of the achievements. I listened to her pains. I helped in her clubs meetings. I knew she's busy with so and thus made the necessary arrangement so that she's least worried as possible. Has she noticed them now? I hope she has. Sometimes we focused too much on the skipped heartbeat that we forget, the heart is still pumping hard even after the mistake. I hope that one day she'll realized I've been trying hard.

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