Sunday, June 23, 2013

Diary oh diary 23-6-2013

Dear Diary, last night was something different. A friend came back from far and asked for a gathering. Nothing much worth mentioning during the gathering but the way the way to and forth. Let's call her as A. As I fetched A, we talked. More like she talked and I listened. What A said opened up my mind. Apparently I'm not the only one facing this issue about hormonal imbalance, palpitation and anxiety attack. I can learn to control them by medication. I can learn to be aware of myself. We agreed that knowing what's wrong with us doesn't give us an extra avenue to blame our faults, rather it gives us a knowledge that there're certain things we need to learn to control. I need to learn to control my emotion and anger. I needed to learn her know that I have learnt to control them. It feels better to have finally spoke to someone about how I feel.

There's a badminton tournament organized by our club today. She was there. For what it feels like forever to me, I didn't managed to approached her. When I have finally summoned my courage, we spoke. I asked her about the Korea trip and she appears to be speaking to be normally but it wasn't. The conversation wasn't natural and I think we both are aware of it. After I have lost terribly in my match, I decided to go leave. Pity the guy who had me as partner. I dragged myself away from the court unwillingly and found myself a spot halfway to deal with my feeling before going home. Nobody needed to see me cry. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her. I wanted to tell her how important she is to me.  But all those are not what she wanted to hear. Those words will drive her further away.

The moon tonight is extremely round a big tonight. It's so beautiful just like her eyes. There are many times I seen the moon like this a told her to look at it. I wanted to share the moments with her. This is one of the thing I've told her but never made her understand. The round moon will appear many more times ahead but do I have the chance to see it with her, together. If we're given another chance, the next round moon that appears, I'll travel the distance, to hold her hands, and spend the splendid moments together with her.

I have gotten addicted to the night lately. I wish I can sleep more because....she appears often in my dreams. I cannot wait for our dates at night. Waking up is a cruel truth. Tonight I can't sleep. And I'm sitting on the stairs staring to the darkness of the sky. I want to sleep. 

No comments: