Sunday, June 30, 2013

Diary oh diary 29-6-2013

I'm not sure if she still can remember this...

This is how we started. I'm not good with girls. I do not know what to say to make them happy or what to do to win their heart. The only thing I have slight confidence is, I can cook a dish or two. I remember I had a rush to share with her my favorite dish, Elbow Alfreddo. That morning I woke up very early to prepare, and I made this as a surprise for her lunch. And that's the day she took my hand in the car. There's a certain burst of excitement what I wanted to stop the car and hug her. The first chance I had I gave her the hug and she embraced me back. It was warm. 

Tonight is the appreciation dinner for my toastmasters club. Yes, finally it has come to the end of the term. I made this. Seeing her brings a certain sourness within. I still have the conflict of not knowing how to react. I'm not used having our photo taken together but away. How do I tell her that I still love her despite everything? How do I tell her that I still dream of her at night? And it happens very often. I wanted her to know that I've changed so much recently. My world is different now. 

The appreciation dinner was awful beside the food. During games, no body bothered to participate unless forced to. During the president's speech, everyone was busy with something else. Almost everyone, especially the people who are holding positions at top levels were indulged in their own conference and creating disturbance to the event. I thought toastmasters are supposed to listen, supposed to respect the speakers? Apparently not. Apparently all the achievements has brought a lot of ego to everyone. It means, I'm not the only one that's grown in pride. There are members who couldn't be bothered with what's happening around them. There is a particular member who assume he knows it all and pass comment without listening to the intention of the speaker. Since when did he stop listening? Since when did he become so offensive and egoistic? By putting down my own pride, I see all these. I see the dark side of the people around me and strive not to be like them. I remember appreciation dinner used to be fun with a lot of laughter. Members and guests were eager to participate in the games and it was then, we bonded. It wasn't an event for people to criticize. It was moments that we shared. President's speech was motivating and thankful, poor president this term was telling  us that he went through the term alone. 

I'm really unsure whether I should continue going to this club now. Would I be able to see her again and maintain self control? Should I voice out what I saw and feel?....I guess not, I shall learn to shut up. 

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