Monday, July 1, 2013

Diary oh diary 1-7-2013

July 1st, 2013. Today marks the end of toastmasters term 2012/2013. Today I should be celebrating. We both has achieved the highest recognition the toastmasters movement can offer that is "President's Distinguished Area" award. This award is wanted by many area governors out there which they might not be able to achieve no matter how hard they try. Somehow this doesn't bring any meaning to me anymore. I'm not a single bit excited nor proud. Instead I'm mourning over the end. If possible, I would exchange everything I have to get back together with her.

Not a night has passed where I don't dream of her. She's with me every night. And every morning I wake up looking forward for the day to end. I'm looking great and doing great at the surface. Every single tasks that I have completed was "necessary" and "good for my future". Every display was expected from me. But all of them brings no meaning. I'm living like a robot, completing routine and waiting for my time to come and scrapped.

A close friend of mine to me he was talking to her, she said we ended because she's changed. Actually that's not true. I knew what she wanted just that I was too ignorant to care. I guess everything is too late now. The ship has sailed and I'm not a good swimmer. All I do is drown in this river of sorrow. Only in my dreams I'm happy, because I'm with her. How I wish I never wake up forever to this cruel world. How I wish I no longer need to wear a fake smile. I think this world is a better place without me. I sure it'll move on, because it always does.

I have completed the gift tonight with much tears shed. It's unbelievable that I can cry so much for her. I need to put in one more try. Happiness is own sought, it can't be bought, waited nor negotiated. I can more or less guess that it'll be a grim outcome. If it is, I think it's time for me to disappear. I'll be somewhere far away. Nobody needs to see the melancholic that's hanging above me. Nobody needs to know the frequent me hiding somewhere crying as loud and as much as I can. I'm not strong, I am weak.

No comments: