Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Diary oh diary 17-7-2013

Dear diary, i heard that she's quite busy lately. With her colleague leaving, she's taking over the load. Work's been tough for her. Knowing that this is coming, I hope it's not a reason for her to give up on us just to have more time and opportunity on the job. Deep inside I pray that this is not the case because if it is, it'll break my heart further. She's a known workaholic to me and if she're to continue this way, in the end of the road will be a lonely junction. I'm fortunate enough to learn about this at a young age, I am at a lonely junction now. I hope she won't be.

Lunch today was my department visit to the old folks home. Even though the tour was short but it was enough to trigger me to donate all the cash in my pocket. The little money was given a way in hope that I'll be able to buy some comfort in my heart. Who knows, one day this might be my home. The future is hard to predict, I just have to do what's best at that moment itself. Planning no longer works for me.

Previously I took it for granted that we can always have dinner together. Currently it's impossible to get her for a catch up drink. My status in her heart has dropped from the top to nowhere to be seen. It's disheartening and it's sad. How much can you hate someone you once loved? I can't. Last night was a terrible evening where I felt like I'm under certain drug addiction and had to hear her voice at least once. I was lying on my bed feeling sick over the flu and at the same time, feeling sick over missing her. My sleeping posture doesn't seem like able to cater for any comfort even though switching numerous combination and style. Finally I decided to give her a call at around 9pm. Nobody picked up at the other end.

With some faint hope, I waited...and waited....and waited....time crept over slowly.....I woke up to the morning, unsure how much had I really slept. All I knew was my mind kept on playing the pictures of us going places, remaking the memories made. It was like watching my own movies being played, rewind, and replayed. Only there wasn't joy where it was when the images were created. Dragging myself up like a zombie to work seems like another routine now. How long will I last in this state?

I'm blessed that she gave me a message at 8.49am saying that she had her phone silent therefore couldn't hear my call. At 8.49am, my world started spinning again. It's silly such a simple message could brighten my day. Does she know how much she mean to me? Without her, my sun doesn't set, it's extinguished. My world's dead.

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