Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 30-7-2013

I have tried everything I could to stop myself from thinking of her. Doing things that I wouldn't do. Going places away from here, away from the people I can connect with her, meeting new friends, leaving this country, nothing worked. Even when I went to a far away country where people speaks a different language, a place where she'd never go, I dreamt about her. I dreamt about us shopping at familiar places. I dreamt about how happy we were. And I dreamt about her again and again. In the most recent dream I tried to ask her our for a dinner together. She didn't want to. It's very similar to reality, until today she's avoiding me. She says she's very busy with a lot of things, she had no time. But she had time for badminton and everything else's but me. This a a cruel reality of a separation. 

The harder that I tried to forget about her, the more I remember. Going pass the places we were reminds me about us used to be there. I look at the diner and saw us sitting on the table like we did. What can I do to ditch those memories? What can I do to not be this pathetic. Do I have to leave this place for good? 

My recent method was to indulge into making myself bigger. In these 2 months, I have gained 8kg. I have countless of times lifting way heavier than my body could, and I have countless of times hurt myself in the process. It's ok. Those pain are nothing as compare to the injuries I have at heart. It's amazing that I could add another 5kg to the weight and complete another set while shouting her name in my heart. Fantasizing her cheering for me gave me an extra boost to keep going. If she's in deed there, will I be able to do the same or more? Perhaps I'd drop the set and rush myself to embrace her. My gym mates were saying that I'm hurting myself. I'm over doing it and I needed to slow down. The don't understand. I'm trapped, and I need a way out. This is my way out. 

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