Saturday, August 31, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 30-8-2013

I got to learn about the relationship between my brother and his once best friends. We used to hang out during chinese new years and friends would come share the joy and whatnot together. Currently seems like things has gone so bad between them there's no turning back. Their once strong relationship just like blood related is now gone. I wonder what happened? What went wrong? And all those that had happened, do they really matter? This is always the case when people argue about what they think is right or wrong. Everyone would tend to be defensive on their own opinions. That's why we have war in this world. It only serve one purpose, that is to prove themselves right. The simple entity of friendship will eventually lost it cause if we ever forget how we first started, how we used to be.

Just like us....we forgot how we were. How close we were together....those times when cuddle is all we need. Soon we add complexity to the simple relationship that we're having. As I take a closer look into what's different, it's the people around us. We've added people into the story...and for some reasons, these people's opinion became important and we start losing faith. We started listening to the others. In this complexity, "I love you" doesn't matter anymore. I'm too naive to think that being together means two person loving each other. Being friends meaning care and trust that were built over time.

Looking back at the things I did during the past 3 months making me realized how silly I was. Also I realized her importance in my heart that I totally ignore what others think about what I did. Whether it was mature or silly, all I did was emphasizing on how I felt about her. It hurts me that she's giving up on me...she's judging me on the character. From that I also realized that I was wrong. We'll always be judged. So, staying away seems like a good decision made. It might be an action to harsh on other, but I can emerge with stronger character, I'll be judge as a better person. I hope she'll be glad to see that happen.

There're so much more about the complexity of the human relationship I don't understand. How I wish it's a simple as pieces of paper bound together by the pin. There's so much for me to learn and I doubt in this lifetime, I'd ever able to explore everything. The simplicity of a relationship where love always overpower everything else...apparently...only happens in the movies. Not all movies end well. I wonder how does she feels everything she's reminded of me. Does everything that happened in between the years matter so much that our love alone is not sufficient to sustain our relationship?

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 28-8-2013

It's been too much ME already. I have started to think for her. I have started to feel how she felt for sometime. I have started wanting to protect her more. For example, there are some friend says that she's getting dangerously close to another person. I chose not to believe. I decided to believe in her.

I left the program that I have come to love so that she won't see me and feel sad. I know what it's like because I'm feeling the same thing she's feeling now. Who'd celebrate in joy after breaking up with their love one? I told them many times that I want to stop doing things, I want to stop being in the highlight. They just simple wouldn't listen and came back asking for more. I need to stop toastmasters for awhile. I'm sorry dear friends....I needed time to find myself. I have some problem here.

I started to think like she does....I started seeing opportunities in KL and I went for it. After all, KL and Penang is only 4 hours away. Facing new challenges, new environment and new people no doubt is scary but it's necessary for me to toughen up. I want her to know that I have grown to think like a man, I'm learning to care for others more. Even though we're not together anymore, I still want her to be able to feel proud for different me, that we were once together. I want her to know, she's made me a better person.

Having decided to move down to HQ, I was struck with a lot of uncertainties. What about home? What about career? Will I be able to survive? There's so much to pick up for work, so many roads I don't know, it's so scary. She kept on telling me she had no time and too much to learn at work, finally I understand how it feels like. At times like this, she needed someone beside her that can support her. Someone who can listen to her....I have failed to become that someone. I guess it's too late now. Why do I learn this a step too late? I'm such an idiot.

She's in the toastmasters meeting now. It's raining heavily outside. Is her back hurting nowadays? Her windscreen's been blurry during rainy days, I think I should help her apply some windscreen wax. If she refuse my help, I'll buy her a bottle of rainX. Just incase anyways. I have only 4 more months here. Time is running out....

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 27-8-2013

My eyes are swollen for last night I cried so much it began to hurt before I stopped. There I was sitting alone wishing all my feelings were gone. There's nothing else I could've I had my last cry.

Be like this no more....

She said that she'd like to remain as friends. Point taken. I have also decided to try a bigger forest in KL. fortunate thing is my bosses accepted me with open arms. It's so scary to me right now. KL is a city foreign to me. There are so much I do not know about the place, the roads, the people and the way of life. Will I survive that? One thing I'm sure is, going places like this will keep myself busy. Keeping myself occupied so that I have no more space to think about her. It's a new adventure for me and its happening in 2014. I'm excited. Shall I make it to the top, I have her to thank. I hope one day she'll find someone far better than me. Someone that loves her more than I do. And I hope she'll tell me that she's happy....

For the moment I still love her.

Diary Oh Diary 26-8-2013

Dear diary, now is the grand finale. I have summoned all the strength to give her a final call. I'm pretty sure the answer will be the same, however at the same time, I would like to have a final try and let her know, there's someone who loves her this much. Perhaps she doesn't care anymore, but I still need to let her know. It's all up to her now.

I have already removed myself from toastmasters as planned for in this place, there're too much pain to my memory. I see myself becoming a monster. I see myself earning too much pride. And I saw my own heart breaking. I feel sorry for the friends around who are supportive. For seeing them again and again break me down. Some say I shouldn't be going round making announcement about my own departure but I have told them again and again, I do not wish to be involved. They don't understand what's it like to see the messages pouring in...they don't understand that silencing the chatrooms doesn't stop the pain from coming in. What's wrong with HJ? HJ's heart is bleeding. And it bleeds HJ's heart even more to see her sad. Yes, it's very easy to see that she's awkward. And this bleeding needs to be stopped.

5 years down the road, when people ask me "what would you do for the woman you love?". I have already known the answer today. I will change for her, no matter how hard it is. I'll give up any trophy for her. I will strip my ego for her. I'll cry every single night for her. I'll die for her. Finally, for her happiness I'll also let her go. They'll ask "HJ, are you sure you can do all those?" answer is yes...I have done all those. 

Dear diary, perhaps another message tomorrow morning's already time to let go. 

5 years down the road I might tell her that it's been a wonderful journey even though it ended in a heart break. 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 25-8-2013

This is a heavy entry for me. Approximately 5 years back, I enrolled into the toastmasters movement as a naive young member. I was 22. From there I got a taste of competitiveness and seeing no ceiling as how much I can grow. These people dedicated their blood and sweat to improve themselves and help others. I see a gleam of positiveness coming from this group of people called themselves toastmasters. I became one of them. I shared their moments of joy, hugs and glory together. Along, she was by my side. There were almost no boundary in the mentorship for anyone, just anyone in the same organization would come up to me and wink me a little piece of advise on how I can a better human being. They have offered more than opportunities to be better speakers, better leaders. They've given me a room to be more than myself. This group of people has given me a shelter from the cruel world, this is a place I would even call home.

5 years had passed.... Just like a very long dream, I strive hard to achieve every possible accomplishments available as an individual. To think that from a naive young member, I participated in numerous competitions collecting different shapes & sizes of trophies, being the treasurer even though I knew my accounting was no where far from the ground, to be the public relations officers, to lead the top club with the most vibrant members in this region, to be a part of something as big as a national convention and finally to lead 5 clubs beyond the cloud to be President's Distinguished.....I think I have grown. And along the way, I get to know who are friends, and the fakers. 

The fifth year had been extremely tough where I learnt that the mentor that I respected the most were bad mouthing me to my lover and the people around. It was not a rumor as I have seen the messages with my own eyes. Having heard from another mouth affirms it. Not that I'm blaming him for what's next but it hurts my heart. It's like the ground where it belongs being unearth and what's visible is a piece of darkness. Maybe I deserves it. But thinking back, I have been supportive of him, going all out on his desires makes me think that I'm being foolish. Recent events made me wonder "how sincere a congratulations note can be when it comes with an open criticism in front of's just pure display of power". I do not think I need to reciprocate with anything cause I'm grateful for his mentorship even though it might be short. People change. 

People asked why would I pull out from contests when I stand such a good chance to win. There are so many mentors ready to pull me through. I never said what's in my heart "proving myself better than others doesn't mean anything to me's just a process of collecting trophies for dusting". 

This 5 years long dream has come to its end. Today's event is a perfect timing as a finale. What's in the future for me, I do not know. For the mean time..... good bye toastmasters.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 21-8-2013

It was an eventful day. 21 August has finally came, Michelle's hardworking preparation for the networking event ended good. As her colleague I'm proud of her and I feel bad for not helping her enough. It I was given another chance, I must help her more in the future responsibilities. It's inspiring to see her putting in so much effort to glue the pieces together. And today, there were at least 3 people, all at least a few levels above me in the company asked me to try my prospect in the HQ. All 3 told me about that separately. Plus the previous 2, there are 5 people in the company want to see me move to KL now. Perhaps I should move there...perhaps it'll be better for my future. Who knows my way of life may change to the better.

In the evening, our club had the humorous speech and evaluation contest. I was asked to chip in as a last minute contestant in the humorous speech. To my surprise, I won both. The crowd went crazy as I was delivering my story but not her, I couldn't see even a smirk on her face. Did she had a bad day? Throughout the contest....I had this feeling that she was feeling uneasy. Perhaps it was my presence that had caused this. One of the speaker, a close friend of her stared at her during the contest and spoke "after being with someone for so long, we've gotten use to them...we've gotten used to the way things are". I might be too sensitive, I think she is having a real hard time and emotional trauma over this break up too. All this while, I was being selfish. I only think about my own grief and never really stood beside her in this situation. I said things that mean for myself...and hurt her along the way. Realizing this saddens me. It feels like I'm being thrown into another world, into her world...I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like embracing but I can't. I feel that I needed to take a step back...and move away. Is this what she's feeling all the time? Am I cornering her to that extend?

Coming back home, my body gave way to the tiredness for I have been awake for 18 hours now. Nevertheless, I gave her a message to find out if there's something bothering her, to offer her an ear. The conversation didn't matter...but she did say "sincerity is a must during evaluation. As a person, we must be sincere too". What does the last sentence mean?

She was kind enough to share with me abut my weakness away from the crowd. It hurt me less. Another Mr-Know-It-All-and-Always-right told me the same front of the whole crowd and indicated that the judges made a mistake and let me win. I totally agreed with both of them....they're right. But at least she's more subtle and care enough to tell me, at the same time taking care of my feeling. I've found another good point of her.

Nevertheless, I'm seriously considering moving to KL. Before that, I'll need to tell her how I really feel. At least for one last time since things have soften down a bit. If I got her hand again, I'll promise to be a better man...someone worthy for her. If.....*I'm stuck on how I should express this now that my tears are in between my eyes and the screen*...if.....

Perhaps moving away is the best way for both of us. Tonight, I prayed for god's help. For HIS strength. I have so much to tell her, I have so much to share with her now...I can only note this down....dear diary, thanks for listening. You've been good to me...

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 20-8-2013

I'm sick of being labeled as small and skinny. Everytime when a conversation about body weight strikes, I'm always being referred as the extreme end of having weightless. Do they know what this feels like? They have no idea. I'll push every bit of my last strength, force myself to eat as much as I can to be bigger, fitter and massive. After 2 months of hard work, my body weight finally touch 60kg for the first time of my life. I was to discard the old How Jun. Having this new weight is exciting, and I wanted to share with her the most. But she was no where to be contacted...."the number that you've dialed is currently unavailable....". She might have blocked me. 

I know she's blocked my Skype, MSN and whatsapp. Is that necessary? Did my presence bothers her that much? If seeing my name doesn't burn her heart as much as mine, why would she do that. At least this concept consoles me a little. But it might not be true. I guess I'm too naive. 

Dear diary, I'm doing this because I want to show her that I'm sincere in changing myself. Only physically but my behavior and mental. But the obvious is physical, so I'll work hard on that. I'm willing to go through whatever pain and hardship along the way to prove this. This is no longer blank words from my mouth. 

You know what, she didn't pick up because I called the other number that she off after office hour.....I'm thinking too fact....I'm missing her very very much, it's killing me. 

Diary Oh Diary 19-8-2013

This came from the US today to commemorate my highest achievement an individual could get from the movement. I'm most delighted as the parcel reaches the office. Unlike Pos Malaysia which service totally sucked the last time I used them, DHL was kind enough to deliver this to my office when no one was at home. And there was no charge at all.

I came into this movement because of her. I wanted to be her. I remember the first day when I was to the club, there were many hopeful eyes looking forward for my official participation as a member. I was impressed when everyone worked so hard for a common goal. That's when I thought I could get closer to her, I can be part of her life. I joined the club. Times were hard for me as I have just started working. With the limited income I had I barely scraped it through paying off loans from my parents and feeding the car. I contemplated for a long time...finally when my previous employer was kind enough to sponsor the membership fee, I jumped into the wagon. It's only a month short of 5 years, I have gone through the hurdle and made it to the finishing line. The first thing I thought of upon opening the box was her. i wanted to call her so much and tell her that I have finally completed the course. I wanted to share my happiness with her. Somehow my inner feeling told me that she wouldn't care anyways.

Things between us changed slowly when I started to take toastmasters more seriously than I should have. I became clouded from what's right and what should be right and I moved further and further away from her. There's no doubt about it, there's no one else to blame but myself. There's nothing I can do apart from missing her.

Also tonight we had a meeting for the fortunate new office bearers ceremony. As emcee, she hold huge responsibilities  but I didn't see her attending tonight's meeting. As the discussions went on, I kept glancing on the door. After all this time, I thought that i have let go. Why did I look forward to her appearance? It's like we're still together, I got her a cup of water...I'm not sure if she's noticed, I always got her a cup of water in that meeting place. Only when the meeting had ended that I knew I had no role nor did I had anything to report that night. Why did I still come? She poured over her role way after the meeting ended with a senior member and I stayed till then. Towards the middle of the meeting, a client called to meet at a certain hotel. Why would someone want to meet at the hotel at this hour? No decent man would want to arrange such meet up. I began to worry over her safety. I'm sure if it were someone else, I couldn't be bothered. But I'm really worried about her. I knew her too well, she'd go. She lied that she'd cancel the meet up when I offered to accompanied her...I can see through that when she was making phone calls in the car. But I knew that she'd call someone else to accompany her...just that person must not be me...she's a smart girl.

And tonight I'm staying wide awake writing this...who am I to worry over her? I have no right, but truly, I cannot sleep without knowing she's safely home. I know very well, I have no right anymore....I know very well I'm no longer part of her world. I know very well there are things that I should and shouldn't do...but I can't control my heart. My heart want her not a single bit less even after all this gap between us.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 15-8-2013

We met yesterday at our club toastmasters meeting. As I parked my car at the usual place, hers was just several vehicle away. Today she arrived early, probably because she's host that night. I searched through several eateries lining up the front shops but saw no signed of her, so I rushed into our meeting center but the room was locked, obviously she had to be somewhere having her dinner. When I returned to the  very last shop, there she was. At a corner I missed. She wasn't alone. There was a colleague who's also known to me. I walked over trying to strike a conversation with them.....she didn't even lift her face. It was as if I wasn't there. At the point of time, I felt a pin-piercing pain through my heart. She just wanted me not to be there. Why? Why it had to be that way? 

I tried searching for my inner strength but there just wasn't any. I had to leave and take my dinner else where. I wanted so much to go home and hide myself but I didn't. Because I had promised her that I'll take up one of her evaluator role. I didn't want to break that promise. After all, the pain is all mine. I passed through the night pretending as if nothing happened, as if I have already moved on, as if I was enjoying the meeting but there truth is I wasn't. I can cheat the whole world but not myself. Have I not changed? Didn't I tried to treat her better? All those things that happened in these 3 month, did it carried so much weight and damage that it destroyed the 5 years that we had together? 

And the most important question to myself is, if indeed she's moved on. If this relationship has already ended and it doesn't matter anymore, why did she had to do that? We don't do that to our friends. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 14-8-2013

For what it's worth, yesterday's dream was worse. Everything was quite vague. I was on my company trip to KL for a training. For some reason, it became a dinner party....I remember well that I was on the bus on the way to the dinner place, she's seated next to me. She's beautiful that night. We didn't talk much but we cuddled as hard as we could as if we'll never see tomorrow again. And the rest was a blur until we arrived back to our hotel and she told me this before she got off the bus "remember what you've promised me this Saturday". What was the promise? I remained seated on the bus watching her waving good bye trying hard to recall our promise. I tried to think so hard that I woke myself up.

I hope one of these days I would never wake up from my dream any more. It's painful to know that everything I had was not real.

What does all these dreams mean? Do I miss her this much? This is pathetic. I can only see her, hear her and touch her in my dreams. I'm meeting her in an occasion tonight. How should I behave?

I have been unhappy for a long can I be happy again?

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 13-8-2013

We were having a group dinner, buffet style. . The tables and chairs were arranged in a 4 per table manner but closely placed so that even if you're tables apart, you still can have some conversation with little difficulties. For some reason, we're seated on the same table with another 2 familiar persons. I behaved like how I did recently, walking away alone to grab my food. In fact, I was not hungry but rather found myself a reason to move away from her. As I'm doing away, she removed herself from the seat and came after me. Of all the lanes possible to reach the buffet lines, she choose the same path as I did. And she took may hand as if we're couple again. Our fingers met and thoughts were running through my head. Mixed feelings blossoming and they felt good. Yes, she was missing me like I did to her. All this while, she felt the same way. It doesn't matter what happened in the past but she's here with me now.

It must have been 2 seconds then I told myself, this is not reality, that's when her sweet smiling face beside me dissolved to nothingness and I cannot remember the rest of the dream. It's the first time in my life, I knew I was dreaming. Have you ever had a dream where you knew it's not possible? Yes, all the happiness, hope, confusion were just a dream.

And waking up today felt great and worst at the same time.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 12-8-2013

Dear diary, what is love? What is it supposed to be? 

I have again and again dreamt about her. Many days I have tried to let go. Of all the methods, none managed to get her out of my head. I'm tired. I'm just being a self pity arsehole trying my luck. I have tried too hard. It's been a whole week without news from her. How is she doing? 

If I care so much, how come there's nothing I can do? How can I bring myself to let go? If this is love, why does it have to hurt so much? Why do I still wake up in the middle of the night crying? What is this feeling I'm having right now?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 7-8-2013

I had a dream. The girl left the boy and soon after that she got married. It was a happy ceremony where relatives and friends came from all corner of the world to give their blessings. He too wished them a happy long lasting marriage only to find himself in a corner shedding tears....alone and all their happy memories made, forgotten. He couldn't mend his broken heart and couldn't stop his own blood from flowing out as he shove a blade directly into his own heart. I looked down and saw my own lifeless body lying on the cold bloody damp floor. There were no one around. That's when I woke up. It's a terrible dream. 

Ya, it's a terrible dream. 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 6-8-2013

The awaited day arrived. Our toastmasters group was going on a short night outing to watch firefly on the mainland. I cannot blame the organizer for putting us both on the same car for she's not aware of the current scenario. But it was a blessing for me. How long as she last sat on my car? Exactly 2 months ago. Yes I have been counting.

As hard as she's trying to be natural, she's obviously avoiding me. At least it was that obvious to me. If she's saying that she's over it, she's lying. When we arrived on the dinner place, I made a trip to restroom on purpose to avoid the awkwardness of choosing the seat beside her purposefully but for some reason we're seated side by side. I tried to offer her some kindness but she politely rejected later ask seek assistance from the person on her other side after a little while. All these small movement were thoughtful or was I sensitive. If it was a single occurrence, i might be on a high sensitivity but if they were repeated, I can't be wrong all the time can I? Is that her way of telling me to let go? Why do we have to part ways? What I want now is the total opposite.

It been 3 weeks I'm unwell, there were not a single word of concern or comfort. Has she stopped caring? I have not. Is it possible to totally cut ties from the day we break up? She's turned from cared to totally don't give a damn if I were to cough blood in front of her. It's depressing. What can i do to make her care again? Which part of myself do I have to cut to melt her heart of stone again?

We were sitting on the opposite end of the boat as we cruised along the river of fireflies. The view was somehow different. It was pretty to see the short-lived insect doing their best, leaving behind nothing more than a piece of memory in our heart. At moments like this I wish that we're side by side. How I wish I had her hands in mine. I'm sure the scene would be a lot more prettier. Did she felt the same way deep down in her heart? Did she wish for a different outcome? Am I hoping for the reverse to happen, alone?

I wonder what'd happened if human lives are as short as the fire flies? If we can only be significant for such a short time, will we give up so easily? Are we going to take things for granted knowing that we have many more tomorrows to come? I'm sure the decision we make will be drastically different. If lights of the world around me were to shut, how would I be remembered? Will she be doing and reacting the way she did today?

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 31-7-2013

I have gotten used to call her once in awhile to update myself on what's happening around her. It's nothing much at least I get to hear her voice. Of all the people in this world, billions and billions of them, her voice is the only one I'm addicted to. It's funny when I looked outside my own world, I realized that I'm just a small insignificant dot making up the numbers. One day when I'm gone people will mourn about my departure. But it'll only for a short while for I don't believe I have made an impact deep enough for something more. Neither am I asking for anything more. I'm quite sure, ill be forgotten soon enough. Before that happens, I gotta do what I gotta do. 


I have made a mistake once by keeping my thoughts only to myself. By doing this, I'm being selfish. I did not let her into my world, and that has driven her away. Tonight I took up the courage and asked her whether its possible to start over. I'm not sure how she'll respond. Most probably she'll say no, or there won't be any reply at all. And I wasn't expecting any. But if I don't ask, if I don't voice out my feeling, I'll regret for the rest of my life. That I'm sure. Being quiet might be the sane thing to do. It might be rational, but its not the best thing for me for love is something irrational. Being silent and unwilling to express will only pile up to my self pity. Nothing more. 

I hope she'll say yes...