Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 19-8-2013


This came from the US today to commemorate my highest achievement an individual could get from the movement. I'm most delighted as the parcel reaches the office. Unlike Pos Malaysia which service totally sucked the last time I used them, DHL was kind enough to deliver this to my office when no one was at home. And there was no charge at all.

I came into this movement because of her. I wanted to be her. I remember the first day when I was to the club, there were many hopeful eyes looking forward for my official participation as a member. I was impressed when everyone worked so hard for a common goal. That's when I thought I could get closer to her, I can be part of her life. I joined the club. Times were hard for me as I have just started working. With the limited income I had I barely scraped it through paying off loans from my parents and feeding the car. I contemplated for a long time...finally when my previous employer was kind enough to sponsor the membership fee, I jumped into the wagon. It's only a month short of 5 years, I have gone through the hurdle and made it to the finishing line. The first thing I thought of upon opening the box was her. i wanted to call her so much and tell her that I have finally completed the course. I wanted to share my happiness with her. Somehow my inner feeling told me that she wouldn't care anyways.

Things between us changed slowly when I started to take toastmasters more seriously than I should have. I became clouded from what's right and what should be right and I moved further and further away from her. There's no doubt about it, there's no one else to blame but myself. There's nothing I can do apart from missing her.

Also tonight we had a meeting for the fortunate new office bearers ceremony. As emcee, she hold huge responsibilities  but I didn't see her attending tonight's meeting. As the discussions went on, I kept glancing on the door. After all this time, I thought that i have let go. Why did I look forward to her appearance? It's like we're still together, I got her a cup of water...I'm not sure if she's noticed, I always got her a cup of water in that meeting place. Only when the meeting had ended that I knew I had no role nor did I had anything to report that night. Why did I still come? She poured over her role way after the meeting ended with a senior member and I stayed till then. Towards the middle of the meeting, a client called to meet at a certain hotel. Why would someone want to meet at the hotel at this hour? No decent man would want to arrange such meet up. I began to worry over her safety. I'm sure if it were someone else, I couldn't be bothered. But I'm really worried about her. I knew her too well, she'd go. She lied that she'd cancel the meet up when I offered to accompanied her...I can see through that when she was making phone calls in the car. But I knew that she'd call someone else to accompany her...just that person must not be me...she's a smart girl.

And tonight I'm staying wide awake writing this...who am I to worry over her? I have no right, but truly, I cannot sleep without knowing she's safely home. I know very well, I have no right anymore....I know very well I'm no longer part of her world. I know very well there are things that I should and shouldn't do...but I can't control my heart. My heart want her not a single bit less even after all this gap between us.

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