Thursday, August 22, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 21-8-2013

It was an eventful day. 21 August has finally came, Michelle's hardworking preparation for the networking event ended good. As her colleague I'm proud of her and I feel bad for not helping her enough. It I was given another chance, I must help her more in the future responsibilities. It's inspiring to see her putting in so much effort to glue the pieces together. And today, there were at least 3 people, all at least a few levels above me in the company asked me to try my prospect in the HQ. All 3 told me about that separately. Plus the previous 2, there are 5 people in the company want to see me move to KL now. Perhaps I should move there...perhaps it'll be better for my future. Who knows my way of life may change to the better.

In the evening, our club had the humorous speech and evaluation contest. I was asked to chip in as a last minute contestant in the humorous speech. To my surprise, I won both. The crowd went crazy as I was delivering my story but not her, I couldn't see even a smirk on her face. Did she had a bad day? Throughout the contest....I had this feeling that she was feeling uneasy. Perhaps it was my presence that had caused this. One of the speaker, a close friend of her stared at her during the contest and spoke "after being with someone for so long, we've gotten use to them...we've gotten used to the way things are". I might be too sensitive, I think she is having a real hard time and emotional trauma over this break up too. All this while, I was being selfish. I only think about my own grief and never really stood beside her in this situation. I said things that mean for myself...and hurt her along the way. Realizing this saddens me. It feels like I'm being thrown into another world, into her world...I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like embracing but I can't. I feel that I needed to take a step back...and move away. Is this what she's feeling all the time? Am I cornering her to that extend?

Coming back home, my body gave way to the tiredness for I have been awake for 18 hours now. Nevertheless, I gave her a message to find out if there's something bothering her, to offer her an ear. The conversation didn't matter...but she did say "sincerity is a must during evaluation. As a person, we must be sincere too". What does the last sentence mean?

She was kind enough to share with me abut my weakness away from the crowd. It hurt me less. Another Mr-Know-It-All-and-Always-right told me the same thing...in front of the whole crowd and indicated that the judges made a mistake and let me win. I totally agreed with both of them....they're right. But at least she's more subtle and care enough to tell me, at the same time taking care of my feeling. I've found another good point of her.

Nevertheless, I'm seriously considering moving to KL. Before that, I'll need to tell her how I really feel. At least for one last time since things have soften down a bit. If I got her hand again, I'll promise to be a better man...someone worthy for her. If.....*I'm stuck on how I should express this now that my tears are in between my eyes and the screen*...if.....

Perhaps moving away is the best way for both of us. Tonight, I prayed for god's help. For HIS strength. I have so much to tell her, I have so much to share with her now...I can only note this down....dear diary, thanks for listening. You've been good to me...

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