Sunday, August 25, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 25-8-2013

This is a heavy entry for me. Approximately 5 years back, I enrolled into the toastmasters movement as a naive young member. I was 22. From there I got a taste of competitiveness and seeing no ceiling as how much I can grow. These people dedicated their blood and sweat to improve themselves and help others. I see a gleam of positiveness coming from this group of people called themselves toastmasters. I became one of them. I shared their moments of joy, hugs and glory together. Along, she was by my side. There were almost no boundary in the mentorship for anyone, just anyone in the same organization would come up to me and wink me a little piece of advise on how I can a better human being. They have offered more than opportunities to be better speakers, better leaders. They've given me a room to be more than myself. This group of people has given me a shelter from the cruel world, this is a place I would even call home.

5 years had passed.... Just like a very long dream, I strive hard to achieve every possible accomplishments available as an individual. To think that from a naive young member, I participated in numerous competitions collecting different shapes & sizes of trophies, being the treasurer even though I knew my accounting was no where far from the ground, to be the public relations officers, to lead the top club with the most vibrant members in this region, to be a part of something as big as a national convention and finally to lead 5 clubs beyond the cloud to be President's Distinguished.....I think I have grown. And along the way, I get to know who are friends, and the fakers. 

The fifth year had been extremely tough where I learnt that the mentor that I respected the most were bad mouthing me to my lover and the people around. It was not a rumor as I have seen the messages with my own eyes. Having heard from another mouth affirms it. Not that I'm blaming him for what's next but it hurts my heart. It's like the ground where it belongs being unearth and what's visible is a piece of darkness. Maybe I deserves it. But thinking back, I have been supportive of him, going all out on his desires makes me think that I'm being foolish. Recent events made me wonder "how sincere a congratulations note can be when it comes with an open criticism in front of everyone....it's just pure display of power". I do not think I need to reciprocate with anything cause I'm grateful for his mentorship even though it might be short. People change. 

People asked why would I pull out from contests when I stand such a good chance to win. There are so many mentors ready to pull me through. I never said what's in my heart "proving myself better than others doesn't mean anything to me anymore....it's just a process of collecting trophies for dusting". 

This 5 years long dream has come to its end. Today's event is a perfect timing as a finale. What's in the future for me, I do not know. For the mean time..... good bye toastmasters.




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