Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 26-8-2013

Dear diary, now is the grand finale. I have summoned all the strength to give her a final call. I'm pretty sure the answer will be the same, however at the same time, I would like to have a final try and let her know, there's someone who loves her this much. Perhaps she doesn't care anymore, but I still need to let her know. It's all up to her now.

I have already removed myself from toastmasters as planned for in this place, there're too much pain to my memory. I see myself becoming a monster. I see myself earning too much pride. And I saw my own heart breaking. I feel sorry for the friends around who are supportive. For seeing them again and again break me down. Some say I shouldn't be going round making announcement about my own departure but I have told them again and again, I do not wish to be involved. They don't understand what's it like to see the messages pouring in...they don't understand that silencing the chatrooms doesn't stop the pain from coming in. What's wrong with HJ? HJ's heart is bleeding. And it bleeds HJ's heart even more to see her sad. Yes, it's very easy to see that she's awkward. And this bleeding needs to be stopped.

5 years down the road, when people ask me "what would you do for the woman you love?". I have already known the answer today. I will change for her, no matter how hard it is. I'll give up any trophy for her. I will strip my ego for her. I'll cry every single night for her. I'll die for her. Finally, for her happiness I'll also let her go. They'll ask "HJ, are you sure you can do all those?"...my answer is yes...I have done all those. 

Dear diary, perhaps another message tomorrow morning and..........it's already time to let go. 

5 years down the road I might tell her that it's been a wonderful journey even though it ended in a heart break. 



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