Sunday, August 4, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 6-8-2013

The awaited day arrived. Our toastmasters group was going on a short night outing to watch firefly on the mainland. I cannot blame the organizer for putting us both on the same car for she's not aware of the current scenario. But it was a blessing for me. How long as she last sat on my car? Exactly 2 months ago. Yes I have been counting.

As hard as she's trying to be natural, she's obviously avoiding me. At least it was that obvious to me. If she's saying that she's over it, she's lying. When we arrived on the dinner place, I made a trip to restroom on purpose to avoid the awkwardness of choosing the seat beside her purposefully but for some reason we're seated side by side. I tried to offer her some kindness but she politely rejected me....to later ask seek assistance from the person on her other side after a little while. All these small movement were thoughtful or was I sensitive. If it was a single occurrence, i might be on a high sensitivity but if they were repeated, I can't be wrong all the time can I? Is that her way of telling me to let go? Why do we have to part ways? What I want now is the total opposite.

It been 3 weeks I'm unwell, there were not a single word of concern or comfort. Has she stopped caring? I have not. Is it possible to totally cut ties from the day we break up? She's turned from cared to totally don't give a damn if I were to cough blood in front of her. It's depressing. What can i do to make her care again? Which part of myself do I have to cut to melt her heart of stone again?

We were sitting on the opposite end of the boat as we cruised along the river of fireflies. The view was somehow different. It was pretty to see the short-lived insect doing their best, leaving behind nothing more than a piece of memory in our heart. At moments like this I wish that we're side by side. How I wish I had her hands in mine. I'm sure the scene would be a lot more prettier. Did she felt the same way deep down in her heart? Did she wish for a different outcome? Am I hoping for the reverse to happen, alone?

I wonder what'd happened if human lives are as short as the fire flies? If we can only be significant for such a short time, will we give up so easily? Are we going to take things for granted knowing that we have many more tomorrows to come? I'm sure the decision we make will be drastically different. If lights of the world around me were to shut, how would I be remembered? Will she be doing and reacting the way she did today?


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