Thursday, October 17, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 17-10-2013

Being 28 for the first time, is scary. Looking back at how things were, if someone were to ask me "what have you done thus far? What can be counted as your achievements in life?". I cannot completely quantify or sum up as my life is not at it's end. I'm not standing at a cliff terminating all that's been worked on. But I can safely say that in most part of my life, I have not stayed stagnant. I've been constantly moving. My believe in building my own market value has paid off. As of today, I'm knowing my world more than I did but what I currently know, is only a fraction of all that's available out there. I'm progressing in career. I completed a course in toastmasters while other procrastinated  or think of the impossible. Within this age itself, I'll have several properties thus building a good base on my financial health. This part of life, I have no complain. While others were having their break, I worked hard.

My phone did not stop ringing due to the notification on birthday wishes came pouring in. It's almost impossible to reply them all. What's most heart aching is, none of them were from her. So this is how much 5 years of worth added together. Not even worth the courtesy of having a greeting. Looking back, I have not celebrated my birthday for the past few years. Yes, we did celebrated but it was off the actual day. Every time was around some other time. She was either busy or had something else like going back home. I was not important enough for her to spare sometime.

I did a lot of waiting for the past 5 years. I waited for her to be ready to include me into her family. I waited for her return from her adventure. I waited for her to kick start her career.....and I waited for her return from the be wilderness which never happened. I guess she was unsure whether she wanted to move on with me. She was unsure whether I was the right person. But why now? Why waited until I was ready to take the quantum leap in life with you? Why waited until I made the big step in buying house and flowers and ring? Why can't we ended it earlier? What's with the I Love You that she said to me so many times? Were they all lies?

I guess her peer comments did added in some weight. I knew some of her friends especially the singles did give her some professional advise on how her love life should be. And they think they're helping her in getting a better life.  To those friends of hers, I hope in 20 years time, they'll still find that they're right. It's foolish to give any advise to the people in our same age group. Yeah, this is the biggest lesson I've learnt. The advise I give to the people around me will consciously or sub-consciously affect other people's life. And recently I gave them out sparingly. Better advise often come of the older generation which have seen life more and on a better view. Such pain is a joke to them.

I should stop blaming myself further for whatever happened has happened. I doubt I'll move on fast enough but at least I'm trying my best now. Although it still hurt so much but every time when I recall about her, some sort of sweetness aftertaste follows. I wish for her to have a good life follow on.

Dear diary, this might be the last post on this chapter of my life. Oh god, I miss her. And I'm going to miss the time I spent with you too.