Thursday, October 17, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 17-10-2013

Being 28 for the first time, is scary. Looking back at how things were, if someone were to ask me "what have you done thus far? What can be counted as your achievements in life?". I cannot completely quantify or sum up as my life is not at it's end. I'm not standing at a cliff terminating all that's been worked on. But I can safely say that in most part of my life, I have not stayed stagnant. I've been constantly moving. My believe in building my own market value has paid off. As of today, I'm knowing my world more than I did but what I currently know, is only a fraction of all that's available out there. I'm progressing in career. I completed a course in toastmasters while other procrastinated  or think of the impossible. Within this age itself, I'll have several properties thus building a good base on my financial health. This part of life, I have no complain. While others were having their break, I worked hard.

My phone did not stop ringing due to the notification on birthday wishes came pouring in. It's almost impossible to reply them all. What's most heart aching is, none of them were from her. So this is how much 5 years of worth added together. Not even worth the courtesy of having a greeting. Looking back, I have not celebrated my birthday for the past few years. Yes, we did celebrated but it was off the actual day. Every time was around some other time. She was either busy or had something else like going back home. I was not important enough for her to spare sometime.

I did a lot of waiting for the past 5 years. I waited for her to be ready to include me into her family. I waited for her return from her adventure. I waited for her to kick start her career.....and I waited for her return from the be wilderness which never happened. I guess she was unsure whether she wanted to move on with me. She was unsure whether I was the right person. But why now? Why waited until I was ready to take the quantum leap in life with you? Why waited until I made the big step in buying house and flowers and ring? Why can't we ended it earlier? What's with the I Love You that she said to me so many times? Were they all lies?

I guess her peer comments did added in some weight. I knew some of her friends especially the singles did give her some professional advise on how her love life should be. And they think they're helping her in getting a better life.  To those friends of hers, I hope in 20 years time, they'll still find that they're right. It's foolish to give any advise to the people in our same age group. Yeah, this is the biggest lesson I've learnt. The advise I give to the people around me will consciously or sub-consciously affect other people's life. And recently I gave them out sparingly. Better advise often come of the older generation which have seen life more and on a better view. Such pain is a joke to them.

I should stop blaming myself further for whatever happened has happened. I doubt I'll move on fast enough but at least I'm trying my best now. Although it still hurt so much but every time when I recall about her, some sort of sweetness aftertaste follows. I wish for her to have a good life follow on.

Dear diary, this might be the last post on this chapter of my life. Oh god, I miss her. And I'm going to miss the time I spent with you too.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 30-8-2013

I got to learn about the relationship between my brother and his once best friends. We used to hang out during chinese new years and friends would come share the joy and whatnot together. Currently seems like things has gone so bad between them there's no turning back. Their once strong relationship just like blood related is now gone. I wonder what happened? What went wrong? And all those that had happened, do they really matter? This is always the case when people argue about what they think is right or wrong. Everyone would tend to be defensive on their own opinions. That's why we have war in this world. It only serve one purpose, that is to prove themselves right. The simple entity of friendship will eventually lost it cause if we ever forget how we first started, how we used to be.

Just like us....we forgot how we were. How close we were together....those times when cuddle is all we need. Soon we add complexity to the simple relationship that we're having. As I take a closer look into what's different, it's the people around us. We've added people into the story...and for some reasons, these people's opinion became important and we start losing faith. We started listening to the others. In this complexity, "I love you" doesn't matter anymore. I'm too naive to think that being together means two person loving each other. Being friends meaning care and trust that were built over time.

Looking back at the things I did during the past 3 months making me realized how silly I was. Also I realized her importance in my heart that I totally ignore what others think about what I did. Whether it was mature or silly, all I did was emphasizing on how I felt about her. It hurts me that she's giving up on me...she's judging me on the character. From that I also realized that I was wrong. We'll always be judged. So, staying away seems like a good decision made. It might be an action to harsh on other, but I can emerge with stronger character, I'll be judge as a better person. I hope she'll be glad to see that happen.

There're so much more about the complexity of the human relationship I don't understand. How I wish it's a simple as pieces of paper bound together by the pin. There's so much for me to learn and I doubt in this lifetime, I'd ever able to explore everything. The simplicity of a relationship where love always overpower everything else...apparently...only happens in the movies. Not all movies end well. I wonder how does she feels everything she's reminded of me. Does everything that happened in between the years matter so much that our love alone is not sufficient to sustain our relationship?


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 28-8-2013

It's been too much ME already. I have started to think for her. I have started to feel how she felt for sometime. I have started wanting to protect her more. For example, there are some friend says that she's getting dangerously close to another person. I chose not to believe. I decided to believe in her.

I left the program that I have come to love so that she won't see me and feel sad. I know what it's like because I'm feeling the same thing she's feeling now. Who'd celebrate in joy after breaking up with their love one? I told them many times that I want to stop doing things, I want to stop being in the highlight. They just simple wouldn't listen and came back asking for more. I need to stop toastmasters for awhile. I'm sorry dear friends....I needed time to find myself. I have some problem here.

I started to think like she does....I started seeing opportunities in KL and I went for it. After all, KL and Penang is only 4 hours away. Facing new challenges, new environment and new people no doubt is scary but it's necessary for me to toughen up. I want her to know that I have grown to think like a man, I'm learning to care for others more. Even though we're not together anymore, I still want her to be able to feel proud for different me, that we were once together. I want her to know, she's made me a better person.

Having decided to move down to HQ, I was struck with a lot of uncertainties. What about home? What about career? Will I be able to survive? There's so much to pick up for work, so many roads I don't know, it's so scary. She kept on telling me she had no time and too much to learn at work, finally I understand how it feels like. At times like this, she needed someone beside her that can support her. Someone who can listen to her....I have failed to become that someone. I guess it's too late now. Why do I learn this a step too late? I'm such an idiot.

She's in the toastmasters meeting now. It's raining heavily outside. Is her back hurting nowadays? Her windscreen's been blurry during rainy days, I think I should help her apply some windscreen wax. If she refuse my help, I'll buy her a bottle of rainX. Just incase anyways. I have only 4 more months here. Time is running out....

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 27-8-2013

My eyes are swollen for last night I cried so much it began to hurt before I stopped. There I was sitting alone wishing all my feelings were gone. There's nothing else I could've done...so I had my last cry.

Be like this no more....

She said that she'd like to remain as friends. Point taken. I have also decided to try a bigger forest in KL. fortunate thing is my bosses accepted me with open arms. It's so scary to me right now. KL is a city foreign to me. There are so much I do not know about the place, the roads, the people and the way of life. Will I survive that? One thing I'm sure is, going places like this will keep myself busy. Keeping myself occupied so that I have no more space to think about her. It's a new adventure for me and its happening in 2014. I'm excited. Shall I make it to the top, I have her to thank. I hope one day she'll find someone far better than me. Someone that loves her more than I do. And I hope she'll tell me that she's happy....

For the moment I still love her.

Diary Oh Diary 26-8-2013

Dear diary, now is the grand finale. I have summoned all the strength to give her a final call. I'm pretty sure the answer will be the same, however at the same time, I would like to have a final try and let her know, there's someone who loves her this much. Perhaps she doesn't care anymore, but I still need to let her know. It's all up to her now.

I have already removed myself from toastmasters as planned for in this place, there're too much pain to my memory. I see myself becoming a monster. I see myself earning too much pride. And I saw my own heart breaking. I feel sorry for the friends around who are supportive. For seeing them again and again break me down. Some say I shouldn't be going round making announcement about my own departure but I have told them again and again, I do not wish to be involved. They don't understand what's it like to see the messages pouring in...they don't understand that silencing the chatrooms doesn't stop the pain from coming in. What's wrong with HJ? HJ's heart is bleeding. And it bleeds HJ's heart even more to see her sad. Yes, it's very easy to see that she's awkward. And this bleeding needs to be stopped.

5 years down the road, when people ask me "what would you do for the woman you love?". I have already known the answer today. I will change for her, no matter how hard it is. I'll give up any trophy for her. I will strip my ego for her. I'll cry every single night for her. I'll die for her. Finally, for her happiness I'll also let her go. They'll ask "HJ, are you sure you can do all those?"...my answer is yes...I have done all those. 

Dear diary, perhaps another message tomorrow morning and..........it's already time to let go. 

5 years down the road I might tell her that it's been a wonderful journey even though it ended in a heart break. 



Sunday, August 25, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 25-8-2013

This is a heavy entry for me. Approximately 5 years back, I enrolled into the toastmasters movement as a naive young member. I was 22. From there I got a taste of competitiveness and seeing no ceiling as how much I can grow. These people dedicated their blood and sweat to improve themselves and help others. I see a gleam of positiveness coming from this group of people called themselves toastmasters. I became one of them. I shared their moments of joy, hugs and glory together. Along, she was by my side. There were almost no boundary in the mentorship for anyone, just anyone in the same organization would come up to me and wink me a little piece of advise on how I can a better human being. They have offered more than opportunities to be better speakers, better leaders. They've given me a room to be more than myself. This group of people has given me a shelter from the cruel world, this is a place I would even call home.

5 years had passed.... Just like a very long dream, I strive hard to achieve every possible accomplishments available as an individual. To think that from a naive young member, I participated in numerous competitions collecting different shapes & sizes of trophies, being the treasurer even though I knew my accounting was no where far from the ground, to be the public relations officers, to lead the top club with the most vibrant members in this region, to be a part of something as big as a national convention and finally to lead 5 clubs beyond the cloud to be President's Distinguished.....I think I have grown. And along the way, I get to know who are friends, and the fakers. 

The fifth year had been extremely tough where I learnt that the mentor that I respected the most were bad mouthing me to my lover and the people around. It was not a rumor as I have seen the messages with my own eyes. Having heard from another mouth affirms it. Not that I'm blaming him for what's next but it hurts my heart. It's like the ground where it belongs being unearth and what's visible is a piece of darkness. Maybe I deserves it. But thinking back, I have been supportive of him, going all out on his desires makes me think that I'm being foolish. Recent events made me wonder "how sincere a congratulations note can be when it comes with an open criticism in front of everyone....it's just pure display of power". I do not think I need to reciprocate with anything cause I'm grateful for his mentorship even though it might be short. People change. 

People asked why would I pull out from contests when I stand such a good chance to win. There are so many mentors ready to pull me through. I never said what's in my heart "proving myself better than others doesn't mean anything to me anymore....it's just a process of collecting trophies for dusting". 

This 5 years long dream has come to its end. Today's event is a perfect timing as a finale. What's in the future for me, I do not know. For the mean time..... good bye toastmasters.




Thursday, August 22, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 21-8-2013

It was an eventful day. 21 August has finally came, Michelle's hardworking preparation for the networking event ended good. As her colleague I'm proud of her and I feel bad for not helping her enough. It I was given another chance, I must help her more in the future responsibilities. It's inspiring to see her putting in so much effort to glue the pieces together. And today, there were at least 3 people, all at least a few levels above me in the company asked me to try my prospect in the HQ. All 3 told me about that separately. Plus the previous 2, there are 5 people in the company want to see me move to KL now. Perhaps I should move there...perhaps it'll be better for my future. Who knows my way of life may change to the better.

In the evening, our club had the humorous speech and evaluation contest. I was asked to chip in as a last minute contestant in the humorous speech. To my surprise, I won both. The crowd went crazy as I was delivering my story but not her, I couldn't see even a smirk on her face. Did she had a bad day? Throughout the contest....I had this feeling that she was feeling uneasy. Perhaps it was my presence that had caused this. One of the speaker, a close friend of her stared at her during the contest and spoke "after being with someone for so long, we've gotten use to them...we've gotten used to the way things are". I might be too sensitive, I think she is having a real hard time and emotional trauma over this break up too. All this while, I was being selfish. I only think about my own grief and never really stood beside her in this situation. I said things that mean for myself...and hurt her along the way. Realizing this saddens me. It feels like I'm being thrown into another world, into her world...I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like embracing but I can't. I feel that I needed to take a step back...and move away. Is this what she's feeling all the time? Am I cornering her to that extend?

Coming back home, my body gave way to the tiredness for I have been awake for 18 hours now. Nevertheless, I gave her a message to find out if there's something bothering her, to offer her an ear. The conversation didn't matter...but she did say "sincerity is a must during evaluation. As a person, we must be sincere too". What does the last sentence mean?

She was kind enough to share with me abut my weakness away from the crowd. It hurt me less. Another Mr-Know-It-All-and-Always-right told me the same thing...in front of the whole crowd and indicated that the judges made a mistake and let me win. I totally agreed with both of them....they're right. But at least she's more subtle and care enough to tell me, at the same time taking care of my feeling. I've found another good point of her.

Nevertheless, I'm seriously considering moving to KL. Before that, I'll need to tell her how I really feel. At least for one last time since things have soften down a bit. If I got her hand again, I'll promise to be a better man...someone worthy for her. If.....*I'm stuck on how I should express this now that my tears are in between my eyes and the screen*...if.....

Perhaps moving away is the best way for both of us. Tonight, I prayed for god's help. For HIS strength. I have so much to tell her, I have so much to share with her now...I can only note this down....dear diary, thanks for listening. You've been good to me...