Thursday, October 17, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 17-10-2013

Being 28 for the first time, is scary. Looking back at how things were, if someone were to ask me "what have you done thus far? What can be counted as your achievements in life?". I cannot completely quantify or sum up as my life is not at it's end. I'm not standing at a cliff terminating all that's been worked on. But I can safely say that in most part of my life, I have not stayed stagnant. I've been constantly moving. My believe in building my own market value has paid off. As of today, I'm knowing my world more than I did but what I currently know, is only a fraction of all that's available out there. I'm progressing in career. I completed a course in toastmasters while other procrastinated  or think of the impossible. Within this age itself, I'll have several properties thus building a good base on my financial health. This part of life, I have no complain. While others were having their break, I worked hard.

My phone did not stop ringing due to the notification on birthday wishes came pouring in. It's almost impossible to reply them all. What's most heart aching is, none of them were from her. So this is how much 5 years of worth added together. Not even worth the courtesy of having a greeting. Looking back, I have not celebrated my birthday for the past few years. Yes, we did celebrated but it was off the actual day. Every time was around some other time. She was either busy or had something else like going back home. I was not important enough for her to spare sometime.

I did a lot of waiting for the past 5 years. I waited for her to be ready to include me into her family. I waited for her return from her adventure. I waited for her to kick start her career.....and I waited for her return from the be wilderness which never happened. I guess she was unsure whether she wanted to move on with me. She was unsure whether I was the right person. But why now? Why waited until I was ready to take the quantum leap in life with you? Why waited until I made the big step in buying house and flowers and ring? Why can't we ended it earlier? What's with the I Love You that she said to me so many times? Were they all lies?

I guess her peer comments did added in some weight. I knew some of her friends especially the singles did give her some professional advise on how her love life should be. And they think they're helping her in getting a better life.  To those friends of hers, I hope in 20 years time, they'll still find that they're right. It's foolish to give any advise to the people in our same age group. Yeah, this is the biggest lesson I've learnt. The advise I give to the people around me will consciously or sub-consciously affect other people's life. And recently I gave them out sparingly. Better advise often come of the older generation which have seen life more and on a better view. Such pain is a joke to them.

I should stop blaming myself further for whatever happened has happened. I doubt I'll move on fast enough but at least I'm trying my best now. Although it still hurt so much but every time when I recall about her, some sort of sweetness aftertaste follows. I wish for her to have a good life follow on.

Dear diary, this might be the last post on this chapter of my life. Oh god, I miss her. And I'm going to miss the time I spent with you too.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 30-8-2013

I got to learn about the relationship between my brother and his once best friends. We used to hang out during chinese new years and friends would come share the joy and whatnot together. Currently seems like things has gone so bad between them there's no turning back. Their once strong relationship just like blood related is now gone. I wonder what happened? What went wrong? And all those that had happened, do they really matter? This is always the case when people argue about what they think is right or wrong. Everyone would tend to be defensive on their own opinions. That's why we have war in this world. It only serve one purpose, that is to prove themselves right. The simple entity of friendship will eventually lost it cause if we ever forget how we first started, how we used to be.

Just like us....we forgot how we were. How close we were together....those times when cuddle is all we need. Soon we add complexity to the simple relationship that we're having. As I take a closer look into what's different, it's the people around us. We've added people into the story...and for some reasons, these people's opinion became important and we start losing faith. We started listening to the others. In this complexity, "I love you" doesn't matter anymore. I'm too naive to think that being together means two person loving each other. Being friends meaning care and trust that were built over time.

Looking back at the things I did during the past 3 months making me realized how silly I was. Also I realized her importance in my heart that I totally ignore what others think about what I did. Whether it was mature or silly, all I did was emphasizing on how I felt about her. It hurts me that she's giving up on me...she's judging me on the character. From that I also realized that I was wrong. We'll always be judged. So, staying away seems like a good decision made. It might be an action to harsh on other, but I can emerge with stronger character, I'll be judge as a better person. I hope she'll be glad to see that happen.

There're so much more about the complexity of the human relationship I don't understand. How I wish it's a simple as pieces of paper bound together by the pin. There's so much for me to learn and I doubt in this lifetime, I'd ever able to explore everything. The simplicity of a relationship where love always overpower everything else...apparently...only happens in the movies. Not all movies end well. I wonder how does she feels everything she's reminded of me. Does everything that happened in between the years matter so much that our love alone is not sufficient to sustain our relationship?

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 28-8-2013

It's been too much ME already. I have started to think for her. I have started to feel how she felt for sometime. I have started wanting to protect her more. For example, there are some friend says that she's getting dangerously close to another person. I chose not to believe. I decided to believe in her.

I left the program that I have come to love so that she won't see me and feel sad. I know what it's like because I'm feeling the same thing she's feeling now. Who'd celebrate in joy after breaking up with their love one? I told them many times that I want to stop doing things, I want to stop being in the highlight. They just simple wouldn't listen and came back asking for more. I need to stop toastmasters for awhile. I'm sorry dear friends....I needed time to find myself. I have some problem here.

I started to think like she does....I started seeing opportunities in KL and I went for it. After all, KL and Penang is only 4 hours away. Facing new challenges, new environment and new people no doubt is scary but it's necessary for me to toughen up. I want her to know that I have grown to think like a man, I'm learning to care for others more. Even though we're not together anymore, I still want her to be able to feel proud for different me, that we were once together. I want her to know, she's made me a better person.

Having decided to move down to HQ, I was struck with a lot of uncertainties. What about home? What about career? Will I be able to survive? There's so much to pick up for work, so many roads I don't know, it's so scary. She kept on telling me she had no time and too much to learn at work, finally I understand how it feels like. At times like this, she needed someone beside her that can support her. Someone who can listen to her....I have failed to become that someone. I guess it's too late now. Why do I learn this a step too late? I'm such an idiot.

She's in the toastmasters meeting now. It's raining heavily outside. Is her back hurting nowadays? Her windscreen's been blurry during rainy days, I think I should help her apply some windscreen wax. If she refuse my help, I'll buy her a bottle of rainX. Just incase anyways. I have only 4 more months here. Time is running out....

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 27-8-2013

My eyes are swollen for last night I cried so much it began to hurt before I stopped. There I was sitting alone wishing all my feelings were gone. There's nothing else I could've I had my last cry.

Be like this no more....

She said that she'd like to remain as friends. Point taken. I have also decided to try a bigger forest in KL. fortunate thing is my bosses accepted me with open arms. It's so scary to me right now. KL is a city foreign to me. There are so much I do not know about the place, the roads, the people and the way of life. Will I survive that? One thing I'm sure is, going places like this will keep myself busy. Keeping myself occupied so that I have no more space to think about her. It's a new adventure for me and its happening in 2014. I'm excited. Shall I make it to the top, I have her to thank. I hope one day she'll find someone far better than me. Someone that loves her more than I do. And I hope she'll tell me that she's happy....

For the moment I still love her.

Diary Oh Diary 26-8-2013

Dear diary, now is the grand finale. I have summoned all the strength to give her a final call. I'm pretty sure the answer will be the same, however at the same time, I would like to have a final try and let her know, there's someone who loves her this much. Perhaps she doesn't care anymore, but I still need to let her know. It's all up to her now.

I have already removed myself from toastmasters as planned for in this place, there're too much pain to my memory. I see myself becoming a monster. I see myself earning too much pride. And I saw my own heart breaking. I feel sorry for the friends around who are supportive. For seeing them again and again break me down. Some say I shouldn't be going round making announcement about my own departure but I have told them again and again, I do not wish to be involved. They don't understand what's it like to see the messages pouring in...they don't understand that silencing the chatrooms doesn't stop the pain from coming in. What's wrong with HJ? HJ's heart is bleeding. And it bleeds HJ's heart even more to see her sad. Yes, it's very easy to see that she's awkward. And this bleeding needs to be stopped.

5 years down the road, when people ask me "what would you do for the woman you love?". I have already known the answer today. I will change for her, no matter how hard it is. I'll give up any trophy for her. I will strip my ego for her. I'll cry every single night for her. I'll die for her. Finally, for her happiness I'll also let her go. They'll ask "HJ, are you sure you can do all those?" answer is yes...I have done all those. 

Dear diary, perhaps another message tomorrow morning's already time to let go. 

5 years down the road I might tell her that it's been a wonderful journey even though it ended in a heart break. 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 25-8-2013

This is a heavy entry for me. Approximately 5 years back, I enrolled into the toastmasters movement as a naive young member. I was 22. From there I got a taste of competitiveness and seeing no ceiling as how much I can grow. These people dedicated their blood and sweat to improve themselves and help others. I see a gleam of positiveness coming from this group of people called themselves toastmasters. I became one of them. I shared their moments of joy, hugs and glory together. Along, she was by my side. There were almost no boundary in the mentorship for anyone, just anyone in the same organization would come up to me and wink me a little piece of advise on how I can a better human being. They have offered more than opportunities to be better speakers, better leaders. They've given me a room to be more than myself. This group of people has given me a shelter from the cruel world, this is a place I would even call home.

5 years had passed.... Just like a very long dream, I strive hard to achieve every possible accomplishments available as an individual. To think that from a naive young member, I participated in numerous competitions collecting different shapes & sizes of trophies, being the treasurer even though I knew my accounting was no where far from the ground, to be the public relations officers, to lead the top club with the most vibrant members in this region, to be a part of something as big as a national convention and finally to lead 5 clubs beyond the cloud to be President's Distinguished.....I think I have grown. And along the way, I get to know who are friends, and the fakers. 

The fifth year had been extremely tough where I learnt that the mentor that I respected the most were bad mouthing me to my lover and the people around. It was not a rumor as I have seen the messages with my own eyes. Having heard from another mouth affirms it. Not that I'm blaming him for what's next but it hurts my heart. It's like the ground where it belongs being unearth and what's visible is a piece of darkness. Maybe I deserves it. But thinking back, I have been supportive of him, going all out on his desires makes me think that I'm being foolish. Recent events made me wonder "how sincere a congratulations note can be when it comes with an open criticism in front of's just pure display of power". I do not think I need to reciprocate with anything cause I'm grateful for his mentorship even though it might be short. People change. 

People asked why would I pull out from contests when I stand such a good chance to win. There are so many mentors ready to pull me through. I never said what's in my heart "proving myself better than others doesn't mean anything to me's just a process of collecting trophies for dusting". 

This 5 years long dream has come to its end. Today's event is a perfect timing as a finale. What's in the future for me, I do not know. For the mean time..... good bye toastmasters.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 21-8-2013

It was an eventful day. 21 August has finally came, Michelle's hardworking preparation for the networking event ended good. As her colleague I'm proud of her and I feel bad for not helping her enough. It I was given another chance, I must help her more in the future responsibilities. It's inspiring to see her putting in so much effort to glue the pieces together. And today, there were at least 3 people, all at least a few levels above me in the company asked me to try my prospect in the HQ. All 3 told me about that separately. Plus the previous 2, there are 5 people in the company want to see me move to KL now. Perhaps I should move there...perhaps it'll be better for my future. Who knows my way of life may change to the better.

In the evening, our club had the humorous speech and evaluation contest. I was asked to chip in as a last minute contestant in the humorous speech. To my surprise, I won both. The crowd went crazy as I was delivering my story but not her, I couldn't see even a smirk on her face. Did she had a bad day? Throughout the contest....I had this feeling that she was feeling uneasy. Perhaps it was my presence that had caused this. One of the speaker, a close friend of her stared at her during the contest and spoke "after being with someone for so long, we've gotten use to them...we've gotten used to the way things are". I might be too sensitive, I think she is having a real hard time and emotional trauma over this break up too. All this while, I was being selfish. I only think about my own grief and never really stood beside her in this situation. I said things that mean for myself...and hurt her along the way. Realizing this saddens me. It feels like I'm being thrown into another world, into her world...I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like embracing but I can't. I feel that I needed to take a step back...and move away. Is this what she's feeling all the time? Am I cornering her to that extend?

Coming back home, my body gave way to the tiredness for I have been awake for 18 hours now. Nevertheless, I gave her a message to find out if there's something bothering her, to offer her an ear. The conversation didn't matter...but she did say "sincerity is a must during evaluation. As a person, we must be sincere too". What does the last sentence mean?

She was kind enough to share with me abut my weakness away from the crowd. It hurt me less. Another Mr-Know-It-All-and-Always-right told me the same front of the whole crowd and indicated that the judges made a mistake and let me win. I totally agreed with both of them....they're right. But at least she's more subtle and care enough to tell me, at the same time taking care of my feeling. I've found another good point of her.

Nevertheless, I'm seriously considering moving to KL. Before that, I'll need to tell her how I really feel. At least for one last time since things have soften down a bit. If I got her hand again, I'll promise to be a better man...someone worthy for her. If.....*I'm stuck on how I should express this now that my tears are in between my eyes and the screen*...if.....

Perhaps moving away is the best way for both of us. Tonight, I prayed for god's help. For HIS strength. I have so much to tell her, I have so much to share with her now...I can only note this down....dear diary, thanks for listening. You've been good to me...

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 20-8-2013

I'm sick of being labeled as small and skinny. Everytime when a conversation about body weight strikes, I'm always being referred as the extreme end of having weightless. Do they know what this feels like? They have no idea. I'll push every bit of my last strength, force myself to eat as much as I can to be bigger, fitter and massive. After 2 months of hard work, my body weight finally touch 60kg for the first time of my life. I was to discard the old How Jun. Having this new weight is exciting, and I wanted to share with her the most. But she was no where to be contacted...."the number that you've dialed is currently unavailable....". She might have blocked me. 

I know she's blocked my Skype, MSN and whatsapp. Is that necessary? Did my presence bothers her that much? If seeing my name doesn't burn her heart as much as mine, why would she do that. At least this concept consoles me a little. But it might not be true. I guess I'm too naive. 

Dear diary, I'm doing this because I want to show her that I'm sincere in changing myself. Only physically but my behavior and mental. But the obvious is physical, so I'll work hard on that. I'm willing to go through whatever pain and hardship along the way to prove this. This is no longer blank words from my mouth. 

You know what, she didn't pick up because I called the other number that she off after office hour.....I'm thinking too fact....I'm missing her very very much, it's killing me. 

Diary Oh Diary 19-8-2013

This came from the US today to commemorate my highest achievement an individual could get from the movement. I'm most delighted as the parcel reaches the office. Unlike Pos Malaysia which service totally sucked the last time I used them, DHL was kind enough to deliver this to my office when no one was at home. And there was no charge at all.

I came into this movement because of her. I wanted to be her. I remember the first day when I was to the club, there were many hopeful eyes looking forward for my official participation as a member. I was impressed when everyone worked so hard for a common goal. That's when I thought I could get closer to her, I can be part of her life. I joined the club. Times were hard for me as I have just started working. With the limited income I had I barely scraped it through paying off loans from my parents and feeding the car. I contemplated for a long time...finally when my previous employer was kind enough to sponsor the membership fee, I jumped into the wagon. It's only a month short of 5 years, I have gone through the hurdle and made it to the finishing line. The first thing I thought of upon opening the box was her. i wanted to call her so much and tell her that I have finally completed the course. I wanted to share my happiness with her. Somehow my inner feeling told me that she wouldn't care anyways.

Things between us changed slowly when I started to take toastmasters more seriously than I should have. I became clouded from what's right and what should be right and I moved further and further away from her. There's no doubt about it, there's no one else to blame but myself. There's nothing I can do apart from missing her.

Also tonight we had a meeting for the fortunate new office bearers ceremony. As emcee, she hold huge responsibilities  but I didn't see her attending tonight's meeting. As the discussions went on, I kept glancing on the door. After all this time, I thought that i have let go. Why did I look forward to her appearance? It's like we're still together, I got her a cup of water...I'm not sure if she's noticed, I always got her a cup of water in that meeting place. Only when the meeting had ended that I knew I had no role nor did I had anything to report that night. Why did I still come? She poured over her role way after the meeting ended with a senior member and I stayed till then. Towards the middle of the meeting, a client called to meet at a certain hotel. Why would someone want to meet at the hotel at this hour? No decent man would want to arrange such meet up. I began to worry over her safety. I'm sure if it were someone else, I couldn't be bothered. But I'm really worried about her. I knew her too well, she'd go. She lied that she'd cancel the meet up when I offered to accompanied her...I can see through that when she was making phone calls in the car. But I knew that she'd call someone else to accompany her...just that person must not be me...she's a smart girl.

And tonight I'm staying wide awake writing this...who am I to worry over her? I have no right, but truly, I cannot sleep without knowing she's safely home. I know very well, I have no right anymore....I know very well I'm no longer part of her world. I know very well there are things that I should and shouldn't do...but I can't control my heart. My heart want her not a single bit less even after all this gap between us.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 15-8-2013

We met yesterday at our club toastmasters meeting. As I parked my car at the usual place, hers was just several vehicle away. Today she arrived early, probably because she's host that night. I searched through several eateries lining up the front shops but saw no signed of her, so I rushed into our meeting center but the room was locked, obviously she had to be somewhere having her dinner. When I returned to the  very last shop, there she was. At a corner I missed. She wasn't alone. There was a colleague who's also known to me. I walked over trying to strike a conversation with them.....she didn't even lift her face. It was as if I wasn't there. At the point of time, I felt a pin-piercing pain through my heart. She just wanted me not to be there. Why? Why it had to be that way? 

I tried searching for my inner strength but there just wasn't any. I had to leave and take my dinner else where. I wanted so much to go home and hide myself but I didn't. Because I had promised her that I'll take up one of her evaluator role. I didn't want to break that promise. After all, the pain is all mine. I passed through the night pretending as if nothing happened, as if I have already moved on, as if I was enjoying the meeting but there truth is I wasn't. I can cheat the whole world but not myself. Have I not changed? Didn't I tried to treat her better? All those things that happened in these 3 month, did it carried so much weight and damage that it destroyed the 5 years that we had together? 

And the most important question to myself is, if indeed she's moved on. If this relationship has already ended and it doesn't matter anymore, why did she had to do that? We don't do that to our friends. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 14-8-2013

For what it's worth, yesterday's dream was worse. Everything was quite vague. I was on my company trip to KL for a training. For some reason, it became a dinner party....I remember well that I was on the bus on the way to the dinner place, she's seated next to me. She's beautiful that night. We didn't talk much but we cuddled as hard as we could as if we'll never see tomorrow again. And the rest was a blur until we arrived back to our hotel and she told me this before she got off the bus "remember what you've promised me this Saturday". What was the promise? I remained seated on the bus watching her waving good bye trying hard to recall our promise. I tried to think so hard that I woke myself up.

I hope one of these days I would never wake up from my dream any more. It's painful to know that everything I had was not real.

What does all these dreams mean? Do I miss her this much? This is pathetic. I can only see her, hear her and touch her in my dreams. I'm meeting her in an occasion tonight. How should I behave?

I have been unhappy for a long can I be happy again?

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 13-8-2013

We were having a group dinner, buffet style. . The tables and chairs were arranged in a 4 per table manner but closely placed so that even if you're tables apart, you still can have some conversation with little difficulties. For some reason, we're seated on the same table with another 2 familiar persons. I behaved like how I did recently, walking away alone to grab my food. In fact, I was not hungry but rather found myself a reason to move away from her. As I'm doing away, she removed herself from the seat and came after me. Of all the lanes possible to reach the buffet lines, she choose the same path as I did. And she took may hand as if we're couple again. Our fingers met and thoughts were running through my head. Mixed feelings blossoming and they felt good. Yes, she was missing me like I did to her. All this while, she felt the same way. It doesn't matter what happened in the past but she's here with me now.

It must have been 2 seconds then I told myself, this is not reality, that's when her sweet smiling face beside me dissolved to nothingness and I cannot remember the rest of the dream. It's the first time in my life, I knew I was dreaming. Have you ever had a dream where you knew it's not possible? Yes, all the happiness, hope, confusion were just a dream.

And waking up today felt great and worst at the same time.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 12-8-2013

Dear diary, what is love? What is it supposed to be? 

I have again and again dreamt about her. Many days I have tried to let go. Of all the methods, none managed to get her out of my head. I'm tired. I'm just being a self pity arsehole trying my luck. I have tried too hard. It's been a whole week without news from her. How is she doing? 

If I care so much, how come there's nothing I can do? How can I bring myself to let go? If this is love, why does it have to hurt so much? Why do I still wake up in the middle of the night crying? What is this feeling I'm having right now?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 7-8-2013

I had a dream. The girl left the boy and soon after that she got married. It was a happy ceremony where relatives and friends came from all corner of the world to give their blessings. He too wished them a happy long lasting marriage only to find himself in a corner shedding tears....alone and all their happy memories made, forgotten. He couldn't mend his broken heart and couldn't stop his own blood from flowing out as he shove a blade directly into his own heart. I looked down and saw my own lifeless body lying on the cold bloody damp floor. There were no one around. That's when I woke up. It's a terrible dream. 

Ya, it's a terrible dream. 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 6-8-2013

The awaited day arrived. Our toastmasters group was going on a short night outing to watch firefly on the mainland. I cannot blame the organizer for putting us both on the same car for she's not aware of the current scenario. But it was a blessing for me. How long as she last sat on my car? Exactly 2 months ago. Yes I have been counting.

As hard as she's trying to be natural, she's obviously avoiding me. At least it was that obvious to me. If she's saying that she's over it, she's lying. When we arrived on the dinner place, I made a trip to restroom on purpose to avoid the awkwardness of choosing the seat beside her purposefully but for some reason we're seated side by side. I tried to offer her some kindness but she politely rejected later ask seek assistance from the person on her other side after a little while. All these small movement were thoughtful or was I sensitive. If it was a single occurrence, i might be on a high sensitivity but if they were repeated, I can't be wrong all the time can I? Is that her way of telling me to let go? Why do we have to part ways? What I want now is the total opposite.

It been 3 weeks I'm unwell, there were not a single word of concern or comfort. Has she stopped caring? I have not. Is it possible to totally cut ties from the day we break up? She's turned from cared to totally don't give a damn if I were to cough blood in front of her. It's depressing. What can i do to make her care again? Which part of myself do I have to cut to melt her heart of stone again?

We were sitting on the opposite end of the boat as we cruised along the river of fireflies. The view was somehow different. It was pretty to see the short-lived insect doing their best, leaving behind nothing more than a piece of memory in our heart. At moments like this I wish that we're side by side. How I wish I had her hands in mine. I'm sure the scene would be a lot more prettier. Did she felt the same way deep down in her heart? Did she wish for a different outcome? Am I hoping for the reverse to happen, alone?

I wonder what'd happened if human lives are as short as the fire flies? If we can only be significant for such a short time, will we give up so easily? Are we going to take things for granted knowing that we have many more tomorrows to come? I'm sure the decision we make will be drastically different. If lights of the world around me were to shut, how would I be remembered? Will she be doing and reacting the way she did today?

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 31-7-2013

I have gotten used to call her once in awhile to update myself on what's happening around her. It's nothing much at least I get to hear her voice. Of all the people in this world, billions and billions of them, her voice is the only one I'm addicted to. It's funny when I looked outside my own world, I realized that I'm just a small insignificant dot making up the numbers. One day when I'm gone people will mourn about my departure. But it'll only for a short while for I don't believe I have made an impact deep enough for something more. Neither am I asking for anything more. I'm quite sure, ill be forgotten soon enough. Before that happens, I gotta do what I gotta do. 


I have made a mistake once by keeping my thoughts only to myself. By doing this, I'm being selfish. I did not let her into my world, and that has driven her away. Tonight I took up the courage and asked her whether its possible to start over. I'm not sure how she'll respond. Most probably she'll say no, or there won't be any reply at all. And I wasn't expecting any. But if I don't ask, if I don't voice out my feeling, I'll regret for the rest of my life. That I'm sure. Being quiet might be the sane thing to do. It might be rational, but its not the best thing for me for love is something irrational. Being silent and unwilling to express will only pile up to my self pity. Nothing more. 

I hope she'll say yes...

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 30-7-2013

I have tried everything I could to stop myself from thinking of her. Doing things that I wouldn't do. Going places away from here, away from the people I can connect with her, meeting new friends, leaving this country, nothing worked. Even when I went to a far away country where people speaks a different language, a place where she'd never go, I dreamt about her. I dreamt about us shopping at familiar places. I dreamt about how happy we were. And I dreamt about her again and again. In the most recent dream I tried to ask her our for a dinner together. She didn't want to. It's very similar to reality, until today she's avoiding me. She says she's very busy with a lot of things, she had no time. But she had time for badminton and everything else's but me. This a a cruel reality of a separation. 

The harder that I tried to forget about her, the more I remember. Going pass the places we were reminds me about us used to be there. I look at the diner and saw us sitting on the table like we did. What can I do to ditch those memories? What can I do to not be this pathetic. Do I have to leave this place for good? 

My recent method was to indulge into making myself bigger. In these 2 months, I have gained 8kg. I have countless of times lifting way heavier than my body could, and I have countless of times hurt myself in the process. It's ok. Those pain are nothing as compare to the injuries I have at heart. It's amazing that I could add another 5kg to the weight and complete another set while shouting her name in my heart. Fantasizing her cheering for me gave me an extra boost to keep going. If she's in deed there, will I be able to do the same or more? Perhaps I'd drop the set and rush myself to embrace her. My gym mates were saying that I'm hurting myself. I'm over doing it and I needed to slow down. The don't understand. I'm trapped, and I need a way out. This is my way out. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Diary oh diary 17-7-2013

Dear diary, i heard that she's quite busy lately. With her colleague leaving, she's taking over the load. Work's been tough for her. Knowing that this is coming, I hope it's not a reason for her to give up on us just to have more time and opportunity on the job. Deep inside I pray that this is not the case because if it is, it'll break my heart further. She's a known workaholic to me and if she're to continue this way, in the end of the road will be a lonely junction. I'm fortunate enough to learn about this at a young age, I am at a lonely junction now. I hope she won't be.

Lunch today was my department visit to the old folks home. Even though the tour was short but it was enough to trigger me to donate all the cash in my pocket. The little money was given a way in hope that I'll be able to buy some comfort in my heart. Who knows, one day this might be my home. The future is hard to predict, I just have to do what's best at that moment itself. Planning no longer works for me.

Previously I took it for granted that we can always have dinner together. Currently it's impossible to get her for a catch up drink. My status in her heart has dropped from the top to nowhere to be seen. It's disheartening and it's sad. How much can you hate someone you once loved? I can't. Last night was a terrible evening where I felt like I'm under certain drug addiction and had to hear her voice at least once. I was lying on my bed feeling sick over the flu and at the same time, feeling sick over missing her. My sleeping posture doesn't seem like able to cater for any comfort even though switching numerous combination and style. Finally I decided to give her a call at around 9pm. Nobody picked up at the other end.

With some faint hope, I waited...and waited....and waited....time crept over slowly.....I woke up to the morning, unsure how much had I really slept. All I knew was my mind kept on playing the pictures of us going places, remaking the memories made. It was like watching my own movies being played, rewind, and replayed. Only there wasn't joy where it was when the images were created. Dragging myself up like a zombie to work seems like another routine now. How long will I last in this state?

I'm blessed that she gave me a message at 8.49am saying that she had her phone silent therefore couldn't hear my call. At 8.49am, my world started spinning again. It's silly such a simple message could brighten my day. Does she know how much she mean to me? Without her, my sun doesn't set, it's extinguished. My world's dead.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Diary oh diary 13-7-2013

13-7-2013 has ended. What happened today?

I woke up in the morning to conduct a fumigation audit in my exployer. It's amazing that I can still remember the details of the audit and the crucial informations after so long. I guess some skills are die hard and will follow us to the grave. 

Noon was my hardcore workout session. After a meal, my body was feeling lazy and movements were lethargic. But I continue pushing and telling myself that its all mental. In the end, after counting, I have done more sets and lifted heavier. I made sure that my body felt sore and my arms and legs couldn't not longer lift another rep before giving up. In deed our body can take more load that we knew. The protein mixture was too sweet for my taste, but it did boost up my energy and allowed me to lift another time before failure. I kept on reminding myself that, the drink is not for my tongue but it's for the pecks. 

And buffet dinner for the appreciation were noisy. The convention gang met again for a little catch up. I took a seat closest to entrance and found myself kept looking if she's arrive. She was late. Seeing her this evening made my heart rushed. The night did not last long before my emotion gave in....that's the cue for me to leave. To my best of luck, I found her alone at the dessert bar. With much courage, I invited her to my car so that I can pass her the gift I have prepared with much tears. I told her that I'm sincere and waiting to get back with her. She left out a sigh but did not oppose. And I told her, if she needs time, I'll give her time.....I saw her left with the gift hoping she'll read and like it. As I told everyone I had somewhere to go, I didn't. I just needed a quiet place so that I can cry alone. Again, nobody needs to see or know that. 

It took awhile to finish tearing and calm myself down. And it's time to go home. Upon reaching home, there's a motorcyclist luring on the floor unable to lift himself up. He's helpless. As I took part in the 3 men aiding session, I felt some deep satisfaction and got part of my heavy heart lifted. I have helped some helpless guy today. Life is short, we wouldn't know what will happen to us tomorrow or the day after. How long will my emptiness lasts? Isn't here any aid to my own helplessness? 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Diary oh diary 9-7-2013

Finally, the present is here. I was under the impression that it'll take much longer than that. Am I ready enough to meet with her and tell her how i feel? Should I let her know how long I have prepared this gift for her?

I'm excited. The first thing I did was to message her asking her out for dinner. She was in KL having training. From the message replies, it sounded like she's still angry over me. Perhaps she's not. One thing I have learnt is that sms always delivers emotion inaccurately. I would like to take it for granted this time. And so I waited until after dinner to giver a call hoping I can at least talk to her. Ask her how she is recently and set a date for our future dinner. She was not convenient to have this regular chat, and she said she'll call me back. I have waited, waited and waited. My phone remained silent. It's very demotivating.

For the days where I couldn't meet with her, I always made it a point to give her a call first thing reaching home. My call would reach her the moment I step out of the parking lot. I always wanted to listen to her voice before proceeding to the night ahead. We were so close once, she's always asking for another 5 minutes on the phone. And I obeyed. She couldn't understand why I needed to give her a short call and hang up after that and a call before sleep. That's because I was tired after work but I wanted to hear her voice nevertheless. Now I can no longer hear her voice. That's sad for me. It's down for me to know that something else has replaced my space in her heart. Sadness is mine, I hope she's happy.

I'm tugging in the gift made for her close to my chest, where it's aching the most right now. Somebody, please save me.

Diary oh diary 9-7-2013

Dear Diary, things become clear right now. Many teary nights had passed and they had washed away any murky thinking I was having. Finally I have decided to hop on a plane and travel to the adventure I was planning all this while. Flight tickets was bought. Itenery and schedule planned. Money prepared. I'm hoping I can find some sort of new culture from this journey. I hope I can find a new purpose in life. I hope it's true that if we do something that we'll never do, some different outcome will turn out. It's like Steve Job preached, "think different". The past 2 weeks I was highly unpredictable. All this while I was already like this. Nobody could've guessed what I was thinking and what I was about to do. It was fun. 

Perhaps being too busy and taking up all the burdens had caused a change in me. I became boring and predictable. I became not caring and selfish. Being unpredictable is fun. Of coarse l took care of the daily business before going away. Sales target will be hit this month. Daily chores will be completed. Many had asked, why not wait alittle longer? What's the rush? I had to find a purpose, a reason to continue going. I had to see things from a different perspective. Why am I on this world? I'm given this much time and strength, what am I going to do about it? Will I continue to dwell in the thoughts of her? That's why I cannot wait. I'm not leaving as a tourist. I'm leaving as a souls seeker. 

I still dream of her daily, there are times I checked on the phone constantly thinking to myself, this is the time normally she'd ring me up. The difference is this time, my phone remained silent. Will this get away sees a different me? A stronger me? I have no idea. While others might see this act as foolish, I see this as a perfect timing. After all, Steve said, he saw all this as genius. After all, doing things the same way and hoping on a different result is simply insane. Lets pray, I'll find myself. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Diary oh diary 3-7-2013

Hey Diary, recently I have the appetite of a beast. Not sure is it because of oh my frequent gym work out or I'm out of control. What's true is my body constantly tell me that I need more food. Here's how much I eat:

Breakfast: Half Boil Egg with Toasted Bread + Milo + Nasi Lemak
Lunch: Full Set Lunch
Tea: Ice Cream with Cookies and Chocolate
Dinner: Fish & Chips and a big plate of Roasted Pork Rice

I'm constantly hungry. With this much food, I need to burn more to build muscle. I'm afraid that I'll become fat. Let's hope I wont. From the USB Microscope, we found that there are some follicles forming on my scalp. Soon, new hair will spawn but the numbers of follicles are scarce. Not as much as I expected. There are many things I can change, my body build, my attitude, my mentality but not my scalp. This is disappointing.

During lunch my boss asked me, for Ipoh convention where are you staying? Apparently they're renting an apartment and reserved a space for me. It means our separation is that obvious. Everyone always knows. Is it my pathetic self control that gave it away?

Tomorrow is the full month of our break up. In this whole month, i kept asking myself the same question "if we're together again, could I put her as number one in my heart?". There's no point of being together if I cannot answer this question. I understand that a positive answer would mean a promise for the lifetime. It mean I have to put everything aside whenever she needs me. I thought and thought hard. Today I found the answer, "yes, I am already doing that". She's always on my mind. Everything became clear when I look deep into my heart. I wonder, what she's doing right now?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Diary oh diary 2-7-2013

At raining night like this is extremely lonely for me. No idea the reason behind, perhaps it's the cold temperature. And I miss her extremely much. There's no point sulking alone feeling miserable. I shall work the hell out of myself. I shall do as much push up as possible until my muscles fail me. This might be a good way to channel all my energy towards something beneficial. Because when I'm about to give up and let go, I think of her and somehow I can summon the extra strength to push myself up for another time.

I started to feel the change in me. Recently I had opened my mouth a lot less and listened a lot more. I have learnt to observe the others movement and began to understand why they did they things the did. Seeing things in a different perspective did opened up my mind. There're so much for me to learn. I'm feeling so small and so insignificant as compared to the whole wide world. Life is short, I must experience as much as possible before passing on. And I hope she'll be able to see the changes in me. What is she doing right now. Has she been eating well, is her back still aching?

I'm not sure if she noticed, during the rain I'll make sure she's covered on the other side of the umbrella. Part of my shoulder will be wet. Every time. And she'll always walk on the inner side of the road. I do not know if this small little things are called caring, but I know this is the way to protect her.

My palms are getting rough as a result from all the gym session. People said it's more manly that way. I wanted to do all those so that I can have a better shoulder and chest to embrace her. I want to have a stronger arms to carry her burden with. But I'm not sure if the day will come. All I can do is to prepare myself. I'm unable to let go, for me to carry on meaning to make a better me for her. Because, I couldn't find strength on the other side.

Finally the gift is ready and sent for production. For many many night I have prepared this, and for all the occasion I progressed with teary eyes. It's nothing expensive but it's something from my heart. It's a small gesture to tell her that she has made a difference in my life. I can't wait for its arrival, and I can't wait to hand it to her personally. How things turn out doesn't matter, what's important is for her to know that there's a person waiting for her return. There's someone willing offer her a shoulder when she needed comfort or feeling tired. There's someone always loving her.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Diary oh diary 1-7-2013

July 1st, 2013. Today marks the end of toastmasters term 2012/2013. Today I should be celebrating. We both has achieved the highest recognition the toastmasters movement can offer that is "President's Distinguished Area" award. This award is wanted by many area governors out there which they might not be able to achieve no matter how hard they try. Somehow this doesn't bring any meaning to me anymore. I'm not a single bit excited nor proud. Instead I'm mourning over the end. If possible, I would exchange everything I have to get back together with her.

Not a night has passed where I don't dream of her. She's with me every night. And every morning I wake up looking forward for the day to end. I'm looking great and doing great at the surface. Every single tasks that I have completed was "necessary" and "good for my future". Every display was expected from me. But all of them brings no meaning. I'm living like a robot, completing routine and waiting for my time to come and scrapped.

A close friend of mine to me he was talking to her, she said we ended because she's changed. Actually that's not true. I knew what she wanted just that I was too ignorant to care. I guess everything is too late now. The ship has sailed and I'm not a good swimmer. All I do is drown in this river of sorrow. Only in my dreams I'm happy, because I'm with her. How I wish I never wake up forever to this cruel world. How I wish I no longer need to wear a fake smile. I think this world is a better place without me. I sure it'll move on, because it always does.

I have completed the gift tonight with much tears shed. It's unbelievable that I can cry so much for her. I need to put in one more try. Happiness is own sought, it can't be bought, waited nor negotiated. I can more or less guess that it'll be a grim outcome. If it is, I think it's time for me to disappear. I'll be somewhere far away. Nobody needs to see the melancholic that's hanging above me. Nobody needs to know the frequent me hiding somewhere crying as loud and as much as I can. I'm not strong, I am weak.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Diary oh diary 29-6-2013

I'm not sure if she still can remember this...

This is how we started. I'm not good with girls. I do not know what to say to make them happy or what to do to win their heart. The only thing I have slight confidence is, I can cook a dish or two. I remember I had a rush to share with her my favorite dish, Elbow Alfreddo. That morning I woke up very early to prepare, and I made this as a surprise for her lunch. And that's the day she took my hand in the car. There's a certain burst of excitement what I wanted to stop the car and hug her. The first chance I had I gave her the hug and she embraced me back. It was warm. 

Tonight is the appreciation dinner for my toastmasters club. Yes, finally it has come to the end of the term. I made this. Seeing her brings a certain sourness within. I still have the conflict of not knowing how to react. I'm not used having our photo taken together but away. How do I tell her that I still love her despite everything? How do I tell her that I still dream of her at night? And it happens very often. I wanted her to know that I've changed so much recently. My world is different now. 

The appreciation dinner was awful beside the food. During games, no body bothered to participate unless forced to. During the president's speech, everyone was busy with something else. Almost everyone, especially the people who are holding positions at top levels were indulged in their own conference and creating disturbance to the event. I thought toastmasters are supposed to listen, supposed to respect the speakers? Apparently not. Apparently all the achievements has brought a lot of ego to everyone. It means, I'm not the only one that's grown in pride. There are members who couldn't be bothered with what's happening around them. There is a particular member who assume he knows it all and pass comment without listening to the intention of the speaker. Since when did he stop listening? Since when did he become so offensive and egoistic? By putting down my own pride, I see all these. I see the dark side of the people around me and strive not to be like them. I remember appreciation dinner used to be fun with a lot of laughter. Members and guests were eager to participate in the games and it was then, we bonded. It wasn't an event for people to criticize. It was moments that we shared. President's speech was motivating and thankful, poor president this term was telling  us that he went through the term alone. 

I'm really unsure whether I should continue going to this club now. Would I be able to see her again and maintain self control? Should I voice out what I saw and feel?....I guess not, I shall learn to shut up. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Diary oh diary 26-6-2013

I'm blessed with many opportunities in life, whether its with work or toastmasters, people tend to trust me with responsibilities and tasks that were suited for my abilities and made sure that I shine. For the past 12 months, I have been loaded with heavy burdens. To name a few:

Area governor

Convention marketing and registration

Club sponsor

Club coach

Club mentor 

Company dinner organizer cum emcee

Important customer accounts

And all those happened in the period of 12 months, well, another 4 days till 12 months to be exact. All these opportunities were presented to me in a silver plate so that I can do them well and I made sure I did. Achieving the results surely beef up my résumé and the experiencing of attempting everyone of them were overwhelmingly rich. I did not regret shouldering them at all. Tonight is my toastmaster club last meeting of the term. It marks the end of everything and I'm about to step back to smell the roses. One of e speaker mentioned in his speech "stop surviving and start living, be aware of the matter that matters to you most". 

My world paused at his words and I was not listening to the rest of his speech. For a moment I thought that I'm doing well and had finally let go, I didn't. The statement made me reiterate that what's matter most to me, is her. I had put my personal achievements to priority and set what's most important to me aside. I had planned a date for all the hectic schedule to stop before committing to what's crucial in my life. But before the race begun, she dropped out. Everything was too late. It appears that I'm wrong. All the money that I've earned, all the medals, all the glory and all the spotlights on the stage means nothing without her cheering by my side. I ask myself now, does all those really matter?

What's the meaning of moving on without knowing where I am are going. Should I keep walking or stop to ponder on my own reflection on the puddle. Who I have become? Which of the two road in front of me will eventually bring me to her? I no longer feel sad. I feel emptiness. I feel a part of myself missing. 

Dear diary, from the occasions of meeting with her, she did not return me the ring. Should I take it as a good sign and continue hoping?

Monday, June 24, 2013

Diary oh diary 24-6-2013

Dear diary, gym today is extremely tired. In fact, the whole day was tiring. I'm not sure whether is it because of the humid weather caused by the haze or is it me. I have difficulties focusing in work. Very often i found myself staring blankly into the screen without having any thoughts. And when I realized it's about 10 minutes already. Then I knew, I needed a break...from everything. From work, from Toastmasters, from the cities and also from this broken heart of mine.

It's not important where's the destination, it can be Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia or even Japan. I need to get away. And this trip I'll not be on tour or anything similar. There'll not be visitation to famous places nor fanatic shopping. This trip is for me to experience the difference in culture and language. I want to learn how other people from different ancestry live and the way of life. I want to understand why they do the things they're doing. I want to taste their food from their perspective. Is it sweeter the better or saltier than what I'm having everyday. I want to learn to care and I hope it'll open my mind and shed me off from taking anything for grated. Perhaps from those places I'll get a different perspective of life. I'll find a new purpose of life. And perhaps I'll find reason to let go.

There are many more living soul out there having far more pathetic life than I have. They might be suffering more much worse and lacking the most basic needs. They might not have enough opportunity to take care of their own emotions. I want to experience this. I want to be on the ground, on my foot to walk among their way of life. And I hope when I come back from this trip, she'll see a brand new me. Someone she'll readily accept.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Diary oh diary 23-6-2013

Dear Diary, last night was something different. A friend came back from far and asked for a gathering. Nothing much worth mentioning during the gathering but the way the way to and forth. Let's call her as A. As I fetched A, we talked. More like she talked and I listened. What A said opened up my mind. Apparently I'm not the only one facing this issue about hormonal imbalance, palpitation and anxiety attack. I can learn to control them by medication. I can learn to be aware of myself. We agreed that knowing what's wrong with us doesn't give us an extra avenue to blame our faults, rather it gives us a knowledge that there're certain things we need to learn to control. I need to learn to control my emotion and anger. I needed to learn her know that I have learnt to control them. It feels better to have finally spoke to someone about how I feel.

There's a badminton tournament organized by our club today. She was there. For what it feels like forever to me, I didn't managed to approached her. When I have finally summoned my courage, we spoke. I asked her about the Korea trip and she appears to be speaking to be normally but it wasn't. The conversation wasn't natural and I think we both are aware of it. After I have lost terribly in my match, I decided to go leave. Pity the guy who had me as partner. I dragged myself away from the court unwillingly and found myself a spot halfway to deal with my feeling before going home. Nobody needed to see me cry. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her. I wanted to tell her how important she is to me.  But all those are not what she wanted to hear. Those words will drive her further away.

The moon tonight is extremely round a big tonight. It's so beautiful just like her eyes. There are many times I seen the moon like this a told her to look at it. I wanted to share the moments with her. This is one of the thing I've told her but never made her understand. The round moon will appear many more times ahead but do I have the chance to see it with her, together. If we're given another chance, the next round moon that appears, I'll travel the distance, to hold her hands, and spend the splendid moments together with her.

I have gotten addicted to the night lately. I wish I can sleep more because....she appears often in my dreams. I cannot wait for our dates at night. Waking up is a cruel truth. Tonight I can't sleep. And I'm sitting on the stairs staring to the darkness of the sky. I want to sleep. 

Friday, June 21, 2013

Diary oh diary 21-6-2013

Dear Diary. This post took me longer than usual to write. It's not like I do not have content, but I have too much going on. For the past 1 week or 2, I have been trying to isolate myself for some thinking and soul searching alone. I have so much to write but I do not know where to start. Today I see more of the messages but not intended to me. I have so much to ask her but I know she won't answer and I no longer have the right to ask.

How is she doing lately? Has work been troubling her on the first day of her return? How was the Korea trip? Is she eating well? Is there anyone to accompany her for dinner tonight? Has her back been aching? All these information were made available for me. It used to, but not now. I wanted to know despite the sour events happened lately. It doesn't matter if she's been saying things that hurt me. It doesn't matter if I'm aching inside. One thing remained, I care for her.

There are many things that have been and should have been that was wrong. I should have pampered her more even when she's not upset. I should have bought her more flowers. I should have selected a dress for her. I should have been more involved in her life. It's not about me anymore, its about her. If god permits us to be together once more, I swear I'll be there for her. To hold her hands through the difficult times, to cheer with her in her joyous moments. I want to create more happy memories with her. 

There's an invite by one of her clubs but I have politely rejected. The honor belongs to her, not me. I wanted to congratulate her for the success, I wanted to be there to clap for her. I have supported her during the course of this year perhaps it was not obvious to her but I've supported her. Maybe I did something made her unhappy so much that it's clouded all the good things I've done for her. I helped her to keep track of the achievements. I listened to her pains. I helped in her clubs meetings. I knew she's busy with so and thus made the necessary arrangement so that she's least worried as possible. Has she noticed them now? I hope she has. Sometimes we focused too much on the skipped heartbeat that we forget, the heart is still pumping hard even after the mistake. I hope that one day she'll realized I've been trying hard.

Diary oh diary 20-6-2013

World War Z was an awesome movie. It reflect that human life is indeed short. It made me think, if the world is ending tomorrow, what will I do today? 

From the group whatsapp I knew that she back in the country. I'm glad she back safely. Her name appeared on my phone once more made my heart skipped a beat. Somehow it came as a surprise to me. Missing her has become something I'm slowly accustomed to. I want to see her name appearing more often than it is now. I want to hear her voice badly. But I can't. 

Diagnosis and the doctor says I'm not dying anytime soon. It is a good news for me, but I struggled not to think that if it was a bad news, if I'm terminally ill, at least I know there's a shelf life to my suffering now. My thyroid is functioning more than normal now. I'm not exactly suffering from hyperthyroidism, my hormone level indicated that its at borderline. But the symptoms shows that I am. Figures from the report says I'm not warrant for a medical treatment. But the doctor ended up saying I have to hang in there. I need to go back for periodic check up to make sure it won't pass the threshold. Physiologically I'm constructed more emotional than normal human. I'm more easily angry, sad, and whatnot a human can feel. 

I need her now. There's nothing I can do for myself. There's nothing I can do for us. I feel helpless. I hope tonight will end with a good sleep and tomorrow I shall begin with a more excellent day. I need to make a better me. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Diary oh diary 19-6-2013

My ego is such was such a huge wall that had shielded my sight from my shortcoming. I had many problems. My attitude, my body size, my hair, my sense of fashion, my health and my consciousness was all messed up. I hope I realized this sooner but I didn't. Instead I choose to brave that I'm superior. It's time to stop all this madness. Too much glory had I received in a short amount of time rendering my senses numb over all that matters. All that matters to me now is her. 

I am now humble enough to see the impurity of myself and began taking steps to correct every single one of them. First thing I've done was to gain weight. So far I'm 2kg heavier and my target is 65kg. Another 9kg to go. I have gone through several hair treatment sessions that had yet to show any result. In the past I would take my hair loss as a joke, I knew that's a problem but had not taken any actions to rectify. I hope it'll work out with time. Tomorrow ill be going for medical check up for my sweaty pals and palpitation. If it's hyperthyroidism, there's hope for everything that's wrong with me. It'll also be the reason of my short temper and intolerance towards any delays. This is the exact character that made people dislike me. This will also be the reason for me emotional and eccentric behavior. Soothing that I have failed to gain control over. 

I regretted that its until now that I'm able to see all this. I feel the change within me. Only 1 thing remains, that's my feeling towards her. I'm changing for myself and also for her. I want her to see a better me. I had many times asked, if I were to be different, will we have another shot? She remained silence and I shall take that as a positive sign. I shall have plans. I shall set sail towards a brighter us. I want her to know, I have put in much efforts to honor my words. 

I still missed her badly. She's the reason I push the dumb bell for 1 last time when strength failed. 

Diary oh diary 18-6-2013

Today one of my friend came back from out station permanently and I managed to grab him for a karaoke session. In the name of catching up, I wanted the session for my own release. There's so much inside me that needed release. I have yet to find courage to tell anyone about what happened. Will doing that make any difference? 

It's like every sad songs were written for this moment. Every single songs have at least a single sentence or words that punched me deep into my heart. And my heart hurts a little when the words were coming out of my mouth. Through Facebook I saw people tagging photos of hers. Now it seems only from a far I can catch a glimpse of her life. What she's been up to. See if she's really smiling. 

Oh god, I'd exchange 10 years of my life just for another 10 days together with her. I have lost direction in life. I'm still struggling to convince myself's over. And this is the time I'm on my knees, praying to god sincerely for strength. My spirit decays, for my beacon in life has been abandoned and extinguished. 

Diary oh diary, what would you do if you were me? What if you wanted to let go of the pain but it haunts you every seconds of you life? 

Monday, June 17, 2013

Diary oh diary 17-6-2013

Today the florist called. The flowers that I bought for her is supposed to be sent today. Something that I've planned several months ago. I wanted to send her flowers every month until the end of the year and finally proposed to her. And we'll build a warm family together. 

I told the florist that there's a change in my plan. She always said I always didn't have plan, this time she's wrong. I had one, but it wasn't losing her. And I collected the flowers myself. It's sad that such a sweet bouquet of roses now lying in my trunk waiting for the end of their course. I wondered if we're still together, how would she feel? I have managed to train myself from contacting her. Every time I took up my phone to write something for her, in the end I deleted the message and told myself "she needs time, she needs time, she needs time". So far it's working fine. 

Again I hit the gym afterwork but was not satisfied the session. Like hell did I worked myself out but only sore on the arms not the chest and back. I have made sure that in the end of the session I won't be able to lift my arms properly but my chests feel flabby. There no tiredness at all. I think starting this Wednesday   I'll begin working out the chests and wing portion before the rest. Recently I've been more discipline in working out, attending to customer and my work, reading more to learn and even attended some seminars. I'm opening up my mind to the world around me. I want to change to a better person, and I'm changing because I want her back. 

If we meet again, just the two of us, I want to tell her "hey, thank you, you've made me a better person". I miss her. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Diary oh diary 16-6-2013

As I foolishly checked my phone over and over again, there's no message from her. She used to send me messages when she's on broad to other countries whenever she can. I doubt there's no wifi access in Korea but she's avoiding me totally. She's needed time, and that's what I'm going to give her now. Rushing things will not solve anything right now. Let time wash away her anger and dissatisfaction.

It's father's day, my family had a nice dinner at Tip Top western food. On the way home, my father said that the house Clovers is too far away for them and they'd prefer somewhere nearer to where they work. He's also worried that my brother is not able to afford the house together with me. Truth is, I wanted the whole family to stay together. After hearing her that it'll be inconvenient to stay together, I've talked to them so that we can still live together but rest in different homes. I should be able to afford the house alone without my brother. I still want her to be the owner of our home and we'll build a loving family there. That is if she accepts me back. If the worst comes, I'll sell the house for investment return. At least for now it'll be painful for me to stay in that house given the earlier intention was to have a home together there. The timing for having this house was all messed up. And I did not communicated properly with her prior to buying this house so learnt this lesson I have.

Being at home doesn't mean I'm lazy. I still remember the needs to build my body so push up I did. Total done was 21 before my muscle gave into total failure. To think that I was able to complete 2 sets of 50 push ups was incredible. Nevertheless I managed to complete 40 mini sit ups. My belly has definitely gotten small because no matter how much I eat, it's not as obvious and big as 2 weeks ago. My chest is currently at 34 inches. Still too small. I think I have a lot to catch up.

This body building quest is for health no doubt about that, but it's also an act of determination on how serious I'm willing to change myself, for her. After so long, I have failed to get her out of my head, but I have successfully refrain myself from disturbing her. That's what she wants.

Dear diary, I hope my determination will once again melt her heart. I have my target in life and I think I can sleep well tonight. Good night.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Diary oh diary 15-6-2013

I didn't sleep well last night. Woke up 2 times meaning I had 3 dreams. And she appeared in all 3 dreams. My mind is a bastard, missing her occurs non-stop after losing her. And today I went shopping, alone. Finally I get to know how she feels when shopping, it's a joy to see myself in different clothing. I bought myself some new wardrobe to have a fresh look and I hope my hair treatment at Origin will be effective, then it's time to change my outlook all together. It's crazy that I automatically walked into her favorite shoe shop and started browsing around. Got my eye onto a pair that looks nice on her. I wonder if she'll look at the same pair when she's there. I visited Watsons for no reason and kept an eye on the cleanser and make up remover she uses. I think I'm going out of my mind. If you see a lone guy shopping in the woman section, yeah that me. It feels real pathetic that now, I can only imagine how she looks like in the clothes and never get to see it myself.

I need to seriously beef up. My chest grew slightly but my belly is there, though smaller. It's not good enough, I need to at least get a faint 6 packs.To show her that I'm serious in changing myself, it has to begin with outlook. Character and mentality is difficult but I'll change it as well. Only change will show her that I'm sincere. The workout is tough, shutting up is tough but I'll go the distance.

Become coming home, there was a party at a friend's place. This is also his last night in Penang and  will be moving to KL to work soon. In the crowds of many people, I tried to blend in as usual. But this time round, I listened more than speak. I tried to mask the sorrow I have inside cause after all, it's my own problem. Not them, not hers but my own. Kam Lung asked where she is. I just simply answered that she's in Korea. Nothing more. Missing her has not ceased a single bit but I've learnt to control my emotions. I think I've grown a bit.

When I have her in my arms again, I'll devote myself to her. Nothing else. She'll be in a hug of a more sincere caring man. A humble man.

Diary oh diary, I cannot sleep now and I'm missing her badly. I wonder if she's feeling the same...

Friday, June 14, 2013

Diary oh diary 14-6-2013

Oh my god! I MISS HER SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! Everything around seems to be connected to her.

* breathe in, breathe out* I need to control myself. Do you know how many times I have typed the message on my handphone and deleted it?

Diary oh diary 14-6-2013

Do you know that we never talked about our issues face to face? It's always through messages. SMS, whatsapp and messenger. Last night was the first time. And it happened during break up. But this time I'm going to change all these.

I'm not going to be pathetic anymore. No more crazy spending but instead, learn to love myself. First thing is I need to change my wardrobe. Grow more hair. Get a better cut. Deliver better speeches. improve in all aspect. I'll give myself 3 months time which I will not talk to her and pretend like nothing happened. Pretend that it's alright and I moved on. But I will still continue writing this so that I do not forget about how much i love her. I know what she wants, she wants a man who's

  1. Mature 
  2. Independent
  3. Accompany her shopping
  4. Give her surprises once in a while
  5. Confident and not sulky like me now
  6. Listens to her
  7. Not arrogant and egoistic
I'm going to be that man. If she ever go shopping with me again, I'll know that she's giving me a chance. And she needs a man with a bigger chest for her to hug. 

Diary oh diary 14-6-2013

Dear diary, today she told me not to disturb her anymore. I never imagined that one day I'll hear this from the girl I love so much. It hurts deeply. She's right, I've been a pest for her and the people around. I did what I want and never thought of others. After doing some thinking, haven't I improved? Haven't I learnt to treat her better?  And in the middle of the conversation, I heard her cried. That hurts me even more. I must let her go, let her be free to live her life. I know my love towards her will not die. But I need to keep the agony to me and myself only.

She said that I didn't handle this maturely. Yes, I didn't and I didn't reacted this way for when the world fell upon me. When I had troubles I learn to took some breather and think clearer. I guess losing her has much more impact than everything else. What's over is over, stop the crying, stop pushing around. I need to get a grip of myself. For the coming year, I'll focus on building my career, my financial and also my body.

Her words were harsh...but that didn't change the way I feel towards her. The present, I'll still complete it. And hopefully one day, I'll have the perfect chance to give it to her myself. For now, let's take a break and focus onto something else.

Diary oh diary, seems like you're the only one I can talk to about her. One year from now, if she ever reads about this, how would she feel? One year from now, what type of person will I be? I guess time will tell. My ego and price has given me a bad name, people around me talks. I need to learn to shut up. I need to learn to do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing we can do.  I don't remember anyone ever telling me about the way I am. I always thought that toastmasters is a place where humans will help humans to improve. I guess the true nature of human never change. They'll talk at your back and never have the balls to face you in front. I was right not to take up any roles for the near future. They want me to be in the team so that i can accelerate their excel, but they never really help me skin deep. For now, I need to stop running, learn to pick myself up and walking again. She's on the way to Korea, oh I miss her badly now.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Diary oh diary 13-6-2013

Finally we have a chat on whatsapp. She's saying I'm not mature in handling this. She is still angry over my disappearance on the night we split. Truth is I went somewhere and got myself drunk. My phone went flat and I was no where to be found.

I don't understand, why can't we solve problems together? If there's any misunderstanding why can't we face it together but choose to let go? I didn't cheat on her. I didn't give her family problem.  in fact I treated them with respect. I didn't use her money. We didn't have big problems before. This is the first time and it ended our relationship?

I need a talk with her.

Diary oh diary 13-6-2013

Dear Diary, today i have an eye infection. Started feeling itchy when I woke up early in the morning. But I delivered the breakfast anyways. Upon reaching office, I noticed something is wrong with my right eye. The flesh inside has swollen and it's tearing non stop. The eye ball is red. Dr. says that it might be virus or bacteria infection. I'm not to work in office nor visit customer today to avoid spreading the infection.

I told her what happened but there was no reply. She doesn't care anymore? 5 years of relationship, is it possible to turn off the care immediately? Even though the way she's treated me recently, I still care a lot about her. I'd still give my life for her simply because I still love her. For 5 years we're together, she didn't really care how I was. I admit that I'm not sensitive but when she's not feeling well, I bought her meals. Bring her out for something light. Bring her to doctors. There are times when I didn't do my part well, yes, but I did everything I could when I'm aware.

I remember when she came back from NZ due to the accident, I took leave and rushed to Ipoh just to see if she's alright. I knew she's not. With a copy of the medical diagnosis, I rushed back to Penang and hopped from hospital to hospital to seek specialist opinion. I was worried like hell. I regretted I invested so much in Stocks that I did not have extra cash with me. Else I could have traveled to NZ and brought her home.

Come to think of it, whenever I was not feeling well whether ill of I cut myself, she never really cared. What's the difference this time?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Diary oh diary 11-6-2013

Of all the messages that I sent, only 2 simple replies. One word each replies. I want to know what's happening around her. I want to be involved in her life. But she's shutting me out. I feel a part of me missing now. It's like this emptiness that slowly decaying me from the inside. It's not exactly curiosity but it feels like I'm lost in the empty space where my life is a previous story which I can no longer matter how hard I try.

It's exactly 1 week now, I have not talked to her for sometime. She used to ask me chat another 5 more minutes before cutting the line. Now, I can't even hear her voice. I have finally cut the line.

Diary oh diary, did I tell you about my dream last night? I dream that i was riding a bike. The scene was so vivid I didn't know that it was all in my head. There's this scene of me passing by a commercial complex and everything around me was on fire. It started with one shop and the fire spread to the others quickly burning down everything on it's path. People around were trying to extinguished the fire and crying at the same time seeing their life being burnt away. But the fire was too fierce to be stopped. I halted my bike and sense certain connection of the situation to my own. Is this how I really feel? And i resumed my journey to no where. I didn't know where I'm going but I kept on riding. A few vehicles in front of me was her car. I sped up the powerless bike but couldn't catch up. She kept pulling away everytime I was close. Somehow I felt that the bike is as if part of my own body. It felt tired. Have you ever had similar weird dream? It's so real. And the alarm told me to wake up, at 5am.

What is she doing right now? Is she feeling tired from the travelling? How's her team meeting? Did someone bully her?

Will we ever talk again?

Diary oh diary 12-6-2013

Woke up even earlier today because she'll be travelling to KL. I had to beat her clock. My breakfast arrived at 5.38am and I hope that she was still around. It was even colder today with rain drizzling from the dark sky. And the way home was longer than usual. My car moved the same way it usually did but I had a lot to think about. Was I on time? Was I too late? Will she take it? Or throw it away?

Speaking of travelling reminds me of one incident. I went over to her place and we spend sometime until middle of the night. Going back was tiring and drowsy but I made it home anyways. As usual, I will take a break on my sofa before anything else. Like a switch turned on, I fell as sleep immediately. God knows how long i slept but when i woke up, there were many calls and messages on my phone. Immediately I called her back, she was furious and from her voice I could hear that she's been crying. She's worried that I did not made it home. I found myself in a guilty position but at the same time, I was brimming with job and love...that someone out there, loves me too. I know I'm blessed. I will remember that night forever.

Back to reality, I know I should have made the breakfast myself instead of buying but it's dumpling festival today. Everyone should have one. I was glad that the dumpling was still warm when I delivered to her door step. It is always better to have warm breakfast during a cold morning like this. And I hope her travel is smooth and safe.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Diary oh diary 11-6-2013

Today is special, I made her breakfast. I remember how she loves eggs, and today's breakfast for her is toasted whole meal bread with fried egg. If there's a way, I would like the egg to be half boiled. But she wouldn't have the time to break it and enjoy anyways. I wonder if she ate it. I hope she likes it. It'll make my effort to wake up 6am in the cold morning worth it. It'll also make my soak in the rain...worth it. Early morning tomorrow she'll be travelling to KL. So, I'll need to beat her on the clock to deliver the breakfast.

I need to come out with a menu fast, something less fattening and delicious at the same time. It'll be a challenge but I'll face it. Melting her heart again will take a lot of sincerity. And this is exactly what I have several months back. I'm wondering she'll also remember the table topics I delivered during Penang Advance meeting. The time has come. I'll prove it to her, that I was serious.

Last night she told me not to keep on disturbing her. I said ok and kept to my words. My first attempt to contact was after working hour. I'm really excited that she replied as I was prepared for the message to gone cold.

Dear diary, do you think things between us will ever improve? Will I see the day of having her in my arms again? The sky has been raining consistently for a week now. Do we share the same emotion now?

Diary oh diary 10-6-2013

Diary of diary, I did not send her a lot of presents. It's during special occasion that we'd exchange gifts. Tonight I'm preparing a gift for her. This is the cheapest present ever but it requires a lot of mental strength. As I'm arranging the memories together, my tears kept on flowing. My nose is blocked and I cannot breathe. I don't know how much I've cried but my eyes is aching. They say as an adult I must take it like a man. I guess after all I'm made of flesh, blood and bones.

Diary oh diary, it hurts very badly now. I wish i could just disappear immediately. I wish I didn't exist before. That way i wouldn't make anyone worry. I wouldn't hurt my family members. I wish my disappearance is my own affairs, mine alone. If it were that situation, I will definitely be gone and to be freed from all this pain and memories.

At least I must complete this gift, deliver it to her with my own hands before any other future affairs.

Time....has yet to proof itself as a remedy to my anguish.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Diary of diary 9-6-2013

Hey, I skipped this post last night, sorry. I asked her for dinner and said that I can wait. At 8.10pm she replied my call for dinner. My waiting was worth it. I suddenly feel hungry and excited to eat. So I went. I had no idea where is the place she mentioned, she wouldn't answer my call. Just a short message stating the name of the eatery. I'm willing to take this risk. Round and round I searched. There she was, but she's there with someone else. Someone familiar to me. I guess she doesn't want to be alone with me. I'd like to have the thought that she's worried that I won't take dinner at all if she hadn't agreed. That alone soothed me a little.

I was talking to him, she was talking to him. Between us, there were not conversation. There were no eye contact. I was careful not to oversay. There was a new white purse she's holding. Did she bought that? When? Or someone gave that to her? I tried to drag my meal as long as possible to just keep her around. But the awkwardness was too much therefore I let her go. She left as if I was not there. Ouch.

Diary oh diary 10-6-2013

Last night was disastrous. She finished work in Ipoh at 10pm and went home. The an hour and a half journey took more than 2 1/2 hours and that got me worried. Messaged were unanswered and smses left un-replied. I had to know that she's safe. At 12.10, I hopped onto my car and sped towards home. "oh my god, please please please let her be alright". I have no idea how fast I was driving, all I know is I kept on stepping on the pedal. It was a blessing that there were no cars at night. Her reply came when I was reaching Sungai Perak. She's safely home. My journey back to the hotel took more than an hour. I need the hour on the road to cool myself down. My hands were shaking. Not much sleep as well for the night.

Today is a day of mixed feelings. I called at the evening to check if she's available for dinner. I was rejected because she'll be occupied with paperwork at home but got myself into a good mood, because through the phone she sounded like she's in a very good mood as well. I told her I'll call her at night and she said okay. My heart was beating like hell. All I wanted was to quickly rush home and wait for the night fall, so that I can call her again. I waited until 8pm for that was the time she's usually home to call. She's outside. I had no idea she's actually available. Perhaps she's doing some shopping alone again. I wish I can be there for her. She sounded grumpy and thus, rendering my happiness short lived.  

My body is aching all over due to the gym but tomorrow I'm not going to skip working out. But gym is not my real intention. I had to wake up early to do something else. And there's a gap in between which I needed filling, gym seems like a good option. I hope I can sleep well tonight, it's too much of me being in the darkness, awake. Do you reckon she knows how I'm feeling?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Diary oh diary 9-6-2013

If you ask me have I done anything foolish, I've done plenty lately. Today I traveled 160km to Ipoh 1 day earlier just to see her face. Pity she has to work through the weekend. And I know her style, when working, she'll forget about food. Thus I bought some egg tart for the whole gang hoping that she'll take a bite. Her facial expression didn't show slight sign of please to see me. Rather it was a very short conversation covering the necessary only.

Diary oh diary, how did it become like this without me seeing it coming. I had plans, that's why I pushed everything away. I wanted to devote myself to her....but it was too late. If only she had waited a little longer. Or I acted a little earlier. Things might have been different.

She asked me, we were together for 5 years, isn't that enough chances already? I didn't know how to answer. I was desperate. All that came out of my mouth was please. Please give us another go. Then several days passed with a blur. I'm extremely calm now. I know what I want. If she'd to ask me the same question again, I'd say, 5 years is an extremely short time. I want another 55 years with you. In the next year I will treat you better than all the 5 years combined. I'll cook breakfast for you. I'd save my stomach to have dinner with you. I've done that, I'll do it even more. There are so many things I wanted to complete together with her. There are so many recipes I wanted to cook for her. There are many places we have not captured photograph together before. There are too many many......

Enough with the self pity, I feel like pest already. To win her back, I need to treat her better. But I also need her to respond.

Diary oh diary 9-6-2013

I think I'm going insane. Another sleepless night for me.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Diary oh diary 8-6-2013

Bruno is right, if we were to leave somebody....we better leave some morphine at the door cause it'll take a whole lot of medication. It's not enough to think of her while waking, she came into my sleep. We were attending toastmasters meeting together again. Together as in together again. It was a sweet dream which I didn't want to wake up....but reality beats dreams anytime.

Some websites says, workout can help the situation. So I went to gym today. Worked the hell out of myself. Guess what, it didn't work. She was in my mind the whole time. The whole damn time. I'm tired.

And thus I took myself to a dinner place where she used to live. A place where we started. So much changes happened around that area. There were new terrace houses built nearby but the house she used to stay was still around. Less wild dogs nearby though. And things between us also changed. Our frequent-ed spot was where I dined. Ordered the usual soya drink with wan than mee. Life was much simpler then. We were young with not much achievements but at least we had each another. The traffic jam through and back was bad...reminding me that's exactly what I used to do, for her. I don't do that anymore. I've changed.

Looking at my mobile every 5 minutes seems like a routine exercise already. I want to know more about her now. She's working real hard her back hurting? Perhaps another reason why we failed is because I do not know how to express myself. If I wanted to see her, just tell her I wanted to see her. If i'm angry, just tell her I'm angry. I didn't do all those. It may sound silly and not logical but if I was given a wish, I want a time machine. I will appreciate her more, I'll appreciate people around me more, my friends, my parents and my brother.

Today I didn't get to hear her voice. But she replied my good night :)

Yes Bruno, you're right. She walked eyes are just like the cloud now. Everyday it rains.

Diary oh Diary 8-6-2013

As predicted, couldn't sleep hence browse facebook to see if there's anything cheerful. The first post by someone familiar was her having fun singing with a bunch of colleagues. I'm really glad that she's not sober like me...but it feels really bad. Its a mixed feeling of wanting to see more of her and sucking it myself. I never knew that there'll be someday I can only watch her from afar. My heart is aching real bad now. Dairy oh dairy...what can I do to ease the pain? How can I stop the tears from flowing? How can I stop the emotional bleeding?

Diary oh Diary 7-6-2013

Have you ever missed someone dearly? It's like drinking a glass of cold water that causes brain freeze. All we feel is helplessness waiting for the pain to pass. The difference is, brain freeze is only momentary but this is...a continuous flow of pain.

I tried to drown myself in work just to keep my mind busy but to no avail as she cropped up every now and then. By now and then I mean every few seconds. Then i began to read and reread the conversations we had. To realize what went wrong, I had to visit the past. It was a mistake, I think of her even more  and building the already heavy feelings in my chest. I remember she said when she was in NZ, I didn't called. I did. It was ring ring card I bought and it was not cheap. I called and called and called. and I over reloaded the IDD card which until today, it has much surplus left. Our msn and facebook messages were lengthy and frequent. There was only once I did not replied her on time. The remaining vacant space we didn't said anything to each another was when she went to trip. What went wrong? Why did she said I never kept in touch with her? Did she missed me like I miss her now? Was she facing time distortion like what I'm facing now? Did every of her waking moment she thought of me? And why can't I recall all of these until now? This time instead of feeling accused, I felt stupid.

Lunch today was an involuntary action just like breathing. My hands guided the spoon stuffing whatever my subconscious mind ordered automatically into my mouth before the robotic chewing begun. Swallow followed. I shot out of the office first thing it dismissed to find myself a quite place for a short chill before dinner. I thought of the car but instead I found myself in the toilet vomiting. I think I'm loosing it again. The only cure for all this madness is her voice. And so I called.....

TO MY DELIGHT SHE PICKED UP! We had some short conversation and my mind was fixed. It was like having a jab directly to the heart at the moments of our death and that voice was much needed.

In the end I got myself a movie ticket to release some tension and it was the first time I went into the cinema and came out with the same set of mood. I didn't know what the movie was showing. I kept on pressing the wake button of my phone just to see if there's any message that came in. There wasn't any.

Every waking moment I think of her.

In the office I overheard my colleagues conversation saying, sleep earlier. When we wake up it's already tomorrow. That's how time passed without us aware of it. I'll put it to practice tonight see if really time can heal the wound.

Tonight is another night of good night bidding went unanswered.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Diary oh diary 7-6-2013

Diary oh diary. I don't have a habit of telling you anything, and tonight seems to be the first night I've met you. Hi there, nice to meet you. I have much to tell you, where shall I start?

I read somewhere says that it'll feel better if we talk to someone when we're down. Then I realized that I have no one else to talk to. Not exactly no one are willing to listen but I simply am not ready to pour myself over to the others. After all, it's my problem.

Truth is this is the second night I've lost her. It's my fault. I have taken too much on my plate to have any space for her. I have achieved so much in everything else but not in our love. I gained so much but still had so much to lose. It's time for me to put everything down but was already too late. The effect of the past is always irreversible. First lesson learnt, I need to do what's right now but not build another hole to stuff in the future. 

The pain is excruciating. There's not a moment that's past I did not think about her. It's ironic we only learn to treasure those we've lost. And from this experience I get to know the other side of myself...that I too, can break down and cry. For only 2 nights ago, I've lost her, my sanity for a brief moment and the control over myself.  

And surprising enough, even though suffering from so much agony, the heart continues to beat. The only comforting thing is she still replies my messages. Extremely short replies from the massive arrays that I have sent but at least....I know she's okay. Before writing to you, I bid her good night. Just to push my luck for another time of her name appearing on my mobile...hahahah...who am I to fooled? Have I really slept well these few night? Will I be able to tonight? .... 

Seems like it's going to be another long night ahead. I wonder is this how she feels like when I was not there for her? 

p/s: there's not return on the good night bidding. :(