Sunday, June 30, 2013

Diary oh diary 29-6-2013

I'm not sure if she still can remember this...

This is how we started. I'm not good with girls. I do not know what to say to make them happy or what to do to win their heart. The only thing I have slight confidence is, I can cook a dish or two. I remember I had a rush to share with her my favorite dish, Elbow Alfreddo. That morning I woke up very early to prepare, and I made this as a surprise for her lunch. And that's the day she took my hand in the car. There's a certain burst of excitement what I wanted to stop the car and hug her. The first chance I had I gave her the hug and she embraced me back. It was warm. 

Tonight is the appreciation dinner for my toastmasters club. Yes, finally it has come to the end of the term. I made this. Seeing her brings a certain sourness within. I still have the conflict of not knowing how to react. I'm not used having our photo taken together but away. How do I tell her that I still love her despite everything? How do I tell her that I still dream of her at night? And it happens very often. I wanted her to know that I've changed so much recently. My world is different now. 

The appreciation dinner was awful beside the food. During games, no body bothered to participate unless forced to. During the president's speech, everyone was busy with something else. Almost everyone, especially the people who are holding positions at top levels were indulged in their own conference and creating disturbance to the event. I thought toastmasters are supposed to listen, supposed to respect the speakers? Apparently not. Apparently all the achievements has brought a lot of ego to everyone. It means, I'm not the only one that's grown in pride. There are members who couldn't be bothered with what's happening around them. There is a particular member who assume he knows it all and pass comment without listening to the intention of the speaker. Since when did he stop listening? Since when did he become so offensive and egoistic? By putting down my own pride, I see all these. I see the dark side of the people around me and strive not to be like them. I remember appreciation dinner used to be fun with a lot of laughter. Members and guests were eager to participate in the games and it was then, we bonded. It wasn't an event for people to criticize. It was moments that we shared. President's speech was motivating and thankful, poor president this term was telling  us that he went through the term alone. 

I'm really unsure whether I should continue going to this club now. Would I be able to see her again and maintain self control? Should I voice out what I saw and feel?....I guess not, I shall learn to shut up. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Diary oh diary 26-6-2013

I'm blessed with many opportunities in life, whether its with work or toastmasters, people tend to trust me with responsibilities and tasks that were suited for my abilities and made sure that I shine. For the past 12 months, I have been loaded with heavy burdens. To name a few:

Area governor

Convention marketing and registration

Club sponsor

Club coach

Club mentor 

Company dinner organizer cum emcee

Important customer accounts

And all those happened in the period of 12 months, well, another 4 days till 12 months to be exact. All these opportunities were presented to me in a silver plate so that I can do them well and I made sure I did. Achieving the results surely beef up my résumé and the experiencing of attempting everyone of them were overwhelmingly rich. I did not regret shouldering them at all. Tonight is my toastmaster club last meeting of the term. It marks the end of everything and I'm about to step back to smell the roses. One of e speaker mentioned in his speech "stop surviving and start living, be aware of the matter that matters to you most". 

My world paused at his words and I was not listening to the rest of his speech. For a moment I thought that I'm doing well and had finally let go, I didn't. The statement made me reiterate that what's matter most to me, is her. I had put my personal achievements to priority and set what's most important to me aside. I had planned a date for all the hectic schedule to stop before committing to what's crucial in my life. But before the race begun, she dropped out. Everything was too late. It appears that I'm wrong. All the money that I've earned, all the medals, all the glory and all the spotlights on the stage means nothing without her cheering by my side. I ask myself now, does all those really matter?

What's the meaning of moving on without knowing where I am are going. Should I keep walking or stop to ponder on my own reflection on the puddle. Who I have become? Which of the two road in front of me will eventually bring me to her? I no longer feel sad. I feel emptiness. I feel a part of myself missing. 

Dear diary, from the occasions of meeting with her, she did not return me the ring. Should I take it as a good sign and continue hoping?

Monday, June 24, 2013

Diary oh diary 24-6-2013

Dear diary, gym today is extremely tired. In fact, the whole day was tiring. I'm not sure whether is it because of the humid weather caused by the haze or is it me. I have difficulties focusing in work. Very often i found myself staring blankly into the screen without having any thoughts. And when I realized it's about 10 minutes already. Then I knew, I needed a break...from everything. From work, from Toastmasters, from the cities and also from this broken heart of mine.

It's not important where's the destination, it can be Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia or even Japan. I need to get away. And this trip I'll not be on tour or anything similar. There'll not be visitation to famous places nor fanatic shopping. This trip is for me to experience the difference in culture and language. I want to learn how other people from different ancestry live and the way of life. I want to understand why they do the things they're doing. I want to taste their food from their perspective. Is it sweeter the better or saltier than what I'm having everyday. I want to learn to care and I hope it'll open my mind and shed me off from taking anything for grated. Perhaps from those places I'll get a different perspective of life. I'll find a new purpose of life. And perhaps I'll find reason to let go.

There are many more living soul out there having far more pathetic life than I have. They might be suffering more much worse and lacking the most basic needs. They might not have enough opportunity to take care of their own emotions. I want to experience this. I want to be on the ground, on my foot to walk among their way of life. And I hope when I come back from this trip, she'll see a brand new me. Someone she'll readily accept.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Diary oh diary 23-6-2013

Dear Diary, last night was something different. A friend came back from far and asked for a gathering. Nothing much worth mentioning during the gathering but the way the way to and forth. Let's call her as A. As I fetched A, we talked. More like she talked and I listened. What A said opened up my mind. Apparently I'm not the only one facing this issue about hormonal imbalance, palpitation and anxiety attack. I can learn to control them by medication. I can learn to be aware of myself. We agreed that knowing what's wrong with us doesn't give us an extra avenue to blame our faults, rather it gives us a knowledge that there're certain things we need to learn to control. I need to learn to control my emotion and anger. I needed to learn her know that I have learnt to control them. It feels better to have finally spoke to someone about how I feel.

There's a badminton tournament organized by our club today. She was there. For what it feels like forever to me, I didn't managed to approached her. When I have finally summoned my courage, we spoke. I asked her about the Korea trip and she appears to be speaking to be normally but it wasn't. The conversation wasn't natural and I think we both are aware of it. After I have lost terribly in my match, I decided to go leave. Pity the guy who had me as partner. I dragged myself away from the court unwillingly and found myself a spot halfway to deal with my feeling before going home. Nobody needed to see me cry. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her. I wanted to tell her how important she is to me.  But all those are not what she wanted to hear. Those words will drive her further away.

The moon tonight is extremely round a big tonight. It's so beautiful just like her eyes. There are many times I seen the moon like this a told her to look at it. I wanted to share the moments with her. This is one of the thing I've told her but never made her understand. The round moon will appear many more times ahead but do I have the chance to see it with her, together. If we're given another chance, the next round moon that appears, I'll travel the distance, to hold her hands, and spend the splendid moments together with her.

I have gotten addicted to the night lately. I wish I can sleep more because....she appears often in my dreams. I cannot wait for our dates at night. Waking up is a cruel truth. Tonight I can't sleep. And I'm sitting on the stairs staring to the darkness of the sky. I want to sleep. 

Friday, June 21, 2013

Diary oh diary 21-6-2013

Dear Diary. This post took me longer than usual to write. It's not like I do not have content, but I have too much going on. For the past 1 week or 2, I have been trying to isolate myself for some thinking and soul searching alone. I have so much to write but I do not know where to start. Today I see more of the messages but not intended to me. I have so much to ask her but I know she won't answer and I no longer have the right to ask.

How is she doing lately? Has work been troubling her on the first day of her return? How was the Korea trip? Is she eating well? Is there anyone to accompany her for dinner tonight? Has her back been aching? All these information were made available for me. It used to, but not now. I wanted to know despite the sour events happened lately. It doesn't matter if she's been saying things that hurt me. It doesn't matter if I'm aching inside. One thing remained, I care for her.

There are many things that have been and should have been that was wrong. I should have pampered her more even when she's not upset. I should have bought her more flowers. I should have selected a dress for her. I should have been more involved in her life. It's not about me anymore, its about her. If god permits us to be together once more, I swear I'll be there for her. To hold her hands through the difficult times, to cheer with her in her joyous moments. I want to create more happy memories with her. 

There's an invite by one of her clubs but I have politely rejected. The honor belongs to her, not me. I wanted to congratulate her for the success, I wanted to be there to clap for her. I have supported her during the course of this year perhaps it was not obvious to her but I've supported her. Maybe I did something made her unhappy so much that it's clouded all the good things I've done for her. I helped her to keep track of the achievements. I listened to her pains. I helped in her clubs meetings. I knew she's busy with so and thus made the necessary arrangement so that she's least worried as possible. Has she noticed them now? I hope she has. Sometimes we focused too much on the skipped heartbeat that we forget, the heart is still pumping hard even after the mistake. I hope that one day she'll realized I've been trying hard.

Diary oh diary 20-6-2013

World War Z was an awesome movie. It reflect that human life is indeed short. It made me think, if the world is ending tomorrow, what will I do today? 

From the group whatsapp I knew that she back in the country. I'm glad she back safely. Her name appeared on my phone once more made my heart skipped a beat. Somehow it came as a surprise to me. Missing her has become something I'm slowly accustomed to. I want to see her name appearing more often than it is now. I want to hear her voice badly. But I can't. 

Diagnosis and the doctor says I'm not dying anytime soon. It is a good news for me, but I struggled not to think that if it was a bad news, if I'm terminally ill, at least I know there's a shelf life to my suffering now. My thyroid is functioning more than normal now. I'm not exactly suffering from hyperthyroidism, my hormone level indicated that its at borderline. But the symptoms shows that I am. Figures from the report says I'm not warrant for a medical treatment. But the doctor ended up saying I have to hang in there. I need to go back for periodic check up to make sure it won't pass the threshold. Physiologically I'm constructed more emotional than normal human. I'm more easily angry, sad, and whatnot a human can feel. 

I need her now. There's nothing I can do for myself. There's nothing I can do for us. I feel helpless. I hope tonight will end with a good sleep and tomorrow I shall begin with a more excellent day. I need to make a better me. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Diary oh diary 19-6-2013

My ego is such was such a huge wall that had shielded my sight from my shortcoming. I had many problems. My attitude, my body size, my hair, my sense of fashion, my health and my consciousness was all messed up. I hope I realized this sooner but I didn't. Instead I choose to brave that I'm superior. It's time to stop all this madness. Too much glory had I received in a short amount of time rendering my senses numb over all that matters. All that matters to me now is her. 

I am now humble enough to see the impurity of myself and began taking steps to correct every single one of them. First thing I've done was to gain weight. So far I'm 2kg heavier and my target is 65kg. Another 9kg to go. I have gone through several hair treatment sessions that had yet to show any result. In the past I would take my hair loss as a joke, I knew that's a problem but had not taken any actions to rectify. I hope it'll work out with time. Tomorrow ill be going for medical check up for my sweaty pals and palpitation. If it's hyperthyroidism, there's hope for everything that's wrong with me. It'll also be the reason of my short temper and intolerance towards any delays. This is the exact character that made people dislike me. This will also be the reason for me emotional and eccentric behavior. Soothing that I have failed to gain control over. 

I regretted that its until now that I'm able to see all this. I feel the change within me. Only 1 thing remains, that's my feeling towards her. I'm changing for myself and also for her. I want her to see a better me. I had many times asked, if I were to be different, will we have another shot? She remained silence and I shall take that as a positive sign. I shall have plans. I shall set sail towards a brighter us. I want her to know, I have put in much efforts to honor my words. 

I still missed her badly. She's the reason I push the dumb bell for 1 last time when strength failed. 

Diary oh diary 18-6-2013

Today one of my friend came back from out station permanently and I managed to grab him for a karaoke session. In the name of catching up, I wanted the session for my own release. There's so much inside me that needed release. I have yet to find courage to tell anyone about what happened. Will doing that make any difference? 

It's like every sad songs were written for this moment. Every single songs have at least a single sentence or words that punched me deep into my heart. And my heart hurts a little when the words were coming out of my mouth. Through Facebook I saw people tagging photos of hers. Now it seems only from a far I can catch a glimpse of her life. What she's been up to. See if she's really smiling. 

Oh god, I'd exchange 10 years of my life just for another 10 days together with her. I have lost direction in life. I'm still struggling to convince myself's over. And this is the time I'm on my knees, praying to god sincerely for strength. My spirit decays, for my beacon in life has been abandoned and extinguished. 

Diary oh diary, what would you do if you were me? What if you wanted to let go of the pain but it haunts you every seconds of you life? 

Monday, June 17, 2013

Diary oh diary 17-6-2013

Today the florist called. The flowers that I bought for her is supposed to be sent today. Something that I've planned several months ago. I wanted to send her flowers every month until the end of the year and finally proposed to her. And we'll build a warm family together. 

I told the florist that there's a change in my plan. She always said I always didn't have plan, this time she's wrong. I had one, but it wasn't losing her. And I collected the flowers myself. It's sad that such a sweet bouquet of roses now lying in my trunk waiting for the end of their course. I wondered if we're still together, how would she feel? I have managed to train myself from contacting her. Every time I took up my phone to write something for her, in the end I deleted the message and told myself "she needs time, she needs time, she needs time". So far it's working fine. 

Again I hit the gym afterwork but was not satisfied the session. Like hell did I worked myself out but only sore on the arms not the chest and back. I have made sure that in the end of the session I won't be able to lift my arms properly but my chests feel flabby. There no tiredness at all. I think starting this Wednesday   I'll begin working out the chests and wing portion before the rest. Recently I've been more discipline in working out, attending to customer and my work, reading more to learn and even attended some seminars. I'm opening up my mind to the world around me. I want to change to a better person, and I'm changing because I want her back. 

If we meet again, just the two of us, I want to tell her "hey, thank you, you've made me a better person". I miss her. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Diary oh diary 16-6-2013

As I foolishly checked my phone over and over again, there's no message from her. She used to send me messages when she's on broad to other countries whenever she can. I doubt there's no wifi access in Korea but she's avoiding me totally. She's needed time, and that's what I'm going to give her now. Rushing things will not solve anything right now. Let time wash away her anger and dissatisfaction.

It's father's day, my family had a nice dinner at Tip Top western food. On the way home, my father said that the house Clovers is too far away for them and they'd prefer somewhere nearer to where they work. He's also worried that my brother is not able to afford the house together with me. Truth is, I wanted the whole family to stay together. After hearing her that it'll be inconvenient to stay together, I've talked to them so that we can still live together but rest in different homes. I should be able to afford the house alone without my brother. I still want her to be the owner of our home and we'll build a loving family there. That is if she accepts me back. If the worst comes, I'll sell the house for investment return. At least for now it'll be painful for me to stay in that house given the earlier intention was to have a home together there. The timing for having this house was all messed up. And I did not communicated properly with her prior to buying this house so learnt this lesson I have.

Being at home doesn't mean I'm lazy. I still remember the needs to build my body so push up I did. Total done was 21 before my muscle gave into total failure. To think that I was able to complete 2 sets of 50 push ups was incredible. Nevertheless I managed to complete 40 mini sit ups. My belly has definitely gotten small because no matter how much I eat, it's not as obvious and big as 2 weeks ago. My chest is currently at 34 inches. Still too small. I think I have a lot to catch up.

This body building quest is for health no doubt about that, but it's also an act of determination on how serious I'm willing to change myself, for her. After so long, I have failed to get her out of my head, but I have successfully refrain myself from disturbing her. That's what she wants.

Dear diary, I hope my determination will once again melt her heart. I have my target in life and I think I can sleep well tonight. Good night.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Diary oh diary 15-6-2013

I didn't sleep well last night. Woke up 2 times meaning I had 3 dreams. And she appeared in all 3 dreams. My mind is a bastard, missing her occurs non-stop after losing her. And today I went shopping, alone. Finally I get to know how she feels when shopping, it's a joy to see myself in different clothing. I bought myself some new wardrobe to have a fresh look and I hope my hair treatment at Origin will be effective, then it's time to change my outlook all together. It's crazy that I automatically walked into her favorite shoe shop and started browsing around. Got my eye onto a pair that looks nice on her. I wonder if she'll look at the same pair when she's there. I visited Watsons for no reason and kept an eye on the cleanser and make up remover she uses. I think I'm going out of my mind. If you see a lone guy shopping in the woman section, yeah that me. It feels real pathetic that now, I can only imagine how she looks like in the clothes and never get to see it myself.

I need to seriously beef up. My chest grew slightly but my belly is there, though smaller. It's not good enough, I need to at least get a faint 6 packs.To show her that I'm serious in changing myself, it has to begin with outlook. Character and mentality is difficult but I'll change it as well. Only change will show her that I'm sincere. The workout is tough, shutting up is tough but I'll go the distance.

Become coming home, there was a party at a friend's place. This is also his last night in Penang and  will be moving to KL to work soon. In the crowds of many people, I tried to blend in as usual. But this time round, I listened more than speak. I tried to mask the sorrow I have inside cause after all, it's my own problem. Not them, not hers but my own. Kam Lung asked where she is. I just simply answered that she's in Korea. Nothing more. Missing her has not ceased a single bit but I've learnt to control my emotions. I think I've grown a bit.

When I have her in my arms again, I'll devote myself to her. Nothing else. She'll be in a hug of a more sincere caring man. A humble man.

Diary oh diary, I cannot sleep now and I'm missing her badly. I wonder if she's feeling the same...

Friday, June 14, 2013

Diary oh diary 14-6-2013

Oh my god! I MISS HER SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! Everything around seems to be connected to her.

* breathe in, breathe out* I need to control myself. Do you know how many times I have typed the message on my handphone and deleted it?

Diary oh diary 14-6-2013

Do you know that we never talked about our issues face to face? It's always through messages. SMS, whatsapp and messenger. Last night was the first time. And it happened during break up. But this time I'm going to change all these.

I'm not going to be pathetic anymore. No more crazy spending but instead, learn to love myself. First thing is I need to change my wardrobe. Grow more hair. Get a better cut. Deliver better speeches. improve in all aspect. I'll give myself 3 months time which I will not talk to her and pretend like nothing happened. Pretend that it's alright and I moved on. But I will still continue writing this so that I do not forget about how much i love her. I know what she wants, she wants a man who's

  1. Mature 
  2. Independent
  3. Accompany her shopping
  4. Give her surprises once in a while
  5. Confident and not sulky like me now
  6. Listens to her
  7. Not arrogant and egoistic
I'm going to be that man. If she ever go shopping with me again, I'll know that she's giving me a chance. And she needs a man with a bigger chest for her to hug. 

Diary oh diary 14-6-2013

Dear diary, today she told me not to disturb her anymore. I never imagined that one day I'll hear this from the girl I love so much. It hurts deeply. She's right, I've been a pest for her and the people around. I did what I want and never thought of others. After doing some thinking, haven't I improved? Haven't I learnt to treat her better?  And in the middle of the conversation, I heard her cried. That hurts me even more. I must let her go, let her be free to live her life. I know my love towards her will not die. But I need to keep the agony to me and myself only.

She said that I didn't handle this maturely. Yes, I didn't and I didn't reacted this way for when the world fell upon me. When I had troubles I learn to took some breather and think clearer. I guess losing her has much more impact than everything else. What's over is over, stop the crying, stop pushing around. I need to get a grip of myself. For the coming year, I'll focus on building my career, my financial and also my body.

Her words were harsh...but that didn't change the way I feel towards her. The present, I'll still complete it. And hopefully one day, I'll have the perfect chance to give it to her myself. For now, let's take a break and focus onto something else.

Diary oh diary, seems like you're the only one I can talk to about her. One year from now, if she ever reads about this, how would she feel? One year from now, what type of person will I be? I guess time will tell. My ego and price has given me a bad name, people around me talks. I need to learn to shut up. I need to learn to do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing we can do.  I don't remember anyone ever telling me about the way I am. I always thought that toastmasters is a place where humans will help humans to improve. I guess the true nature of human never change. They'll talk at your back and never have the balls to face you in front. I was right not to take up any roles for the near future. They want me to be in the team so that i can accelerate their excel, but they never really help me skin deep. For now, I need to stop running, learn to pick myself up and walking again. She's on the way to Korea, oh I miss her badly now.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Diary oh diary 13-6-2013

Finally we have a chat on whatsapp. She's saying I'm not mature in handling this. She is still angry over my disappearance on the night we split. Truth is I went somewhere and got myself drunk. My phone went flat and I was no where to be found.

I don't understand, why can't we solve problems together? If there's any misunderstanding why can't we face it together but choose to let go? I didn't cheat on her. I didn't give her family problem.  in fact I treated them with respect. I didn't use her money. We didn't have big problems before. This is the first time and it ended our relationship?

I need a talk with her.

Diary oh diary 13-6-2013

Dear Diary, today i have an eye infection. Started feeling itchy when I woke up early in the morning. But I delivered the breakfast anyways. Upon reaching office, I noticed something is wrong with my right eye. The flesh inside has swollen and it's tearing non stop. The eye ball is red. Dr. says that it might be virus or bacteria infection. I'm not to work in office nor visit customer today to avoid spreading the infection.

I told her what happened but there was no reply. She doesn't care anymore? 5 years of relationship, is it possible to turn off the care immediately? Even though the way she's treated me recently, I still care a lot about her. I'd still give my life for her simply because I still love her. For 5 years we're together, she didn't really care how I was. I admit that I'm not sensitive but when she's not feeling well, I bought her meals. Bring her out for something light. Bring her to doctors. There are times when I didn't do my part well, yes, but I did everything I could when I'm aware.

I remember when she came back from NZ due to the accident, I took leave and rushed to Ipoh just to see if she's alright. I knew she's not. With a copy of the medical diagnosis, I rushed back to Penang and hopped from hospital to hospital to seek specialist opinion. I was worried like hell. I regretted I invested so much in Stocks that I did not have extra cash with me. Else I could have traveled to NZ and brought her home.

Come to think of it, whenever I was not feeling well whether ill of I cut myself, she never really cared. What's the difference this time?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Diary oh diary 11-6-2013

Of all the messages that I sent, only 2 simple replies. One word each replies. I want to know what's happening around her. I want to be involved in her life. But she's shutting me out. I feel a part of me missing now. It's like this emptiness that slowly decaying me from the inside. It's not exactly curiosity but it feels like I'm lost in the empty space where my life is a previous story which I can no longer matter how hard I try.

It's exactly 1 week now, I have not talked to her for sometime. She used to ask me chat another 5 more minutes before cutting the line. Now, I can't even hear her voice. I have finally cut the line.

Diary oh diary, did I tell you about my dream last night? I dream that i was riding a bike. The scene was so vivid I didn't know that it was all in my head. There's this scene of me passing by a commercial complex and everything around me was on fire. It started with one shop and the fire spread to the others quickly burning down everything on it's path. People around were trying to extinguished the fire and crying at the same time seeing their life being burnt away. But the fire was too fierce to be stopped. I halted my bike and sense certain connection of the situation to my own. Is this how I really feel? And i resumed my journey to no where. I didn't know where I'm going but I kept on riding. A few vehicles in front of me was her car. I sped up the powerless bike but couldn't catch up. She kept pulling away everytime I was close. Somehow I felt that the bike is as if part of my own body. It felt tired. Have you ever had similar weird dream? It's so real. And the alarm told me to wake up, at 5am.

What is she doing right now? Is she feeling tired from the travelling? How's her team meeting? Did someone bully her?

Will we ever talk again?

Diary oh diary 12-6-2013

Woke up even earlier today because she'll be travelling to KL. I had to beat her clock. My breakfast arrived at 5.38am and I hope that she was still around. It was even colder today with rain drizzling from the dark sky. And the way home was longer than usual. My car moved the same way it usually did but I had a lot to think about. Was I on time? Was I too late? Will she take it? Or throw it away?

Speaking of travelling reminds me of one incident. I went over to her place and we spend sometime until middle of the night. Going back was tiring and drowsy but I made it home anyways. As usual, I will take a break on my sofa before anything else. Like a switch turned on, I fell as sleep immediately. God knows how long i slept but when i woke up, there were many calls and messages on my phone. Immediately I called her back, she was furious and from her voice I could hear that she's been crying. She's worried that I did not made it home. I found myself in a guilty position but at the same time, I was brimming with job and love...that someone out there, loves me too. I know I'm blessed. I will remember that night forever.

Back to reality, I know I should have made the breakfast myself instead of buying but it's dumpling festival today. Everyone should have one. I was glad that the dumpling was still warm when I delivered to her door step. It is always better to have warm breakfast during a cold morning like this. And I hope her travel is smooth and safe.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Diary oh diary 11-6-2013

Today is special, I made her breakfast. I remember how she loves eggs, and today's breakfast for her is toasted whole meal bread with fried egg. If there's a way, I would like the egg to be half boiled. But she wouldn't have the time to break it and enjoy anyways. I wonder if she ate it. I hope she likes it. It'll make my effort to wake up 6am in the cold morning worth it. It'll also make my soak in the rain...worth it. Early morning tomorrow she'll be travelling to KL. So, I'll need to beat her on the clock to deliver the breakfast.

I need to come out with a menu fast, something less fattening and delicious at the same time. It'll be a challenge but I'll face it. Melting her heart again will take a lot of sincerity. And this is exactly what I have several months back. I'm wondering she'll also remember the table topics I delivered during Penang Advance meeting. The time has come. I'll prove it to her, that I was serious.

Last night she told me not to keep on disturbing her. I said ok and kept to my words. My first attempt to contact was after working hour. I'm really excited that she replied as I was prepared for the message to gone cold.

Dear diary, do you think things between us will ever improve? Will I see the day of having her in my arms again? The sky has been raining consistently for a week now. Do we share the same emotion now?

Diary oh diary 10-6-2013

Diary of diary, I did not send her a lot of presents. It's during special occasion that we'd exchange gifts. Tonight I'm preparing a gift for her. This is the cheapest present ever but it requires a lot of mental strength. As I'm arranging the memories together, my tears kept on flowing. My nose is blocked and I cannot breathe. I don't know how much I've cried but my eyes is aching. They say as an adult I must take it like a man. I guess after all I'm made of flesh, blood and bones.

Diary oh diary, it hurts very badly now. I wish i could just disappear immediately. I wish I didn't exist before. That way i wouldn't make anyone worry. I wouldn't hurt my family members. I wish my disappearance is my own affairs, mine alone. If it were that situation, I will definitely be gone and to be freed from all this pain and memories.

At least I must complete this gift, deliver it to her with my own hands before any other future affairs.

Time....has yet to proof itself as a remedy to my anguish.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Diary of diary 9-6-2013

Hey, I skipped this post last night, sorry. I asked her for dinner and said that I can wait. At 8.10pm she replied my call for dinner. My waiting was worth it. I suddenly feel hungry and excited to eat. So I went. I had no idea where is the place she mentioned, she wouldn't answer my call. Just a short message stating the name of the eatery. I'm willing to take this risk. Round and round I searched. There she was, but she's there with someone else. Someone familiar to me. I guess she doesn't want to be alone with me. I'd like to have the thought that she's worried that I won't take dinner at all if she hadn't agreed. That alone soothed me a little.

I was talking to him, she was talking to him. Between us, there were not conversation. There were no eye contact. I was careful not to oversay. There was a new white purse she's holding. Did she bought that? When? Or someone gave that to her? I tried to drag my meal as long as possible to just keep her around. But the awkwardness was too much therefore I let her go. She left as if I was not there. Ouch.

Diary oh diary 10-6-2013

Last night was disastrous. She finished work in Ipoh at 10pm and went home. The an hour and a half journey took more than 2 1/2 hours and that got me worried. Messaged were unanswered and smses left un-replied. I had to know that she's safe. At 12.10, I hopped onto my car and sped towards home. "oh my god, please please please let her be alright". I have no idea how fast I was driving, all I know is I kept on stepping on the pedal. It was a blessing that there were no cars at night. Her reply came when I was reaching Sungai Perak. She's safely home. My journey back to the hotel took more than an hour. I need the hour on the road to cool myself down. My hands were shaking. Not much sleep as well for the night.

Today is a day of mixed feelings. I called at the evening to check if she's available for dinner. I was rejected because she'll be occupied with paperwork at home but got myself into a good mood, because through the phone she sounded like she's in a very good mood as well. I told her I'll call her at night and she said okay. My heart was beating like hell. All I wanted was to quickly rush home and wait for the night fall, so that I can call her again. I waited until 8pm for that was the time she's usually home to call. She's outside. I had no idea she's actually available. Perhaps she's doing some shopping alone again. I wish I can be there for her. She sounded grumpy and thus, rendering my happiness short lived.  

My body is aching all over due to the gym but tomorrow I'm not going to skip working out. But gym is not my real intention. I had to wake up early to do something else. And there's a gap in between which I needed filling, gym seems like a good option. I hope I can sleep well tonight, it's too much of me being in the darkness, awake. Do you reckon she knows how I'm feeling?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Diary oh diary 9-6-2013

If you ask me have I done anything foolish, I've done plenty lately. Today I traveled 160km to Ipoh 1 day earlier just to see her face. Pity she has to work through the weekend. And I know her style, when working, she'll forget about food. Thus I bought some egg tart for the whole gang hoping that she'll take a bite. Her facial expression didn't show slight sign of please to see me. Rather it was a very short conversation covering the necessary only.

Diary oh diary, how did it become like this without me seeing it coming. I had plans, that's why I pushed everything away. I wanted to devote myself to her....but it was too late. If only she had waited a little longer. Or I acted a little earlier. Things might have been different.

She asked me, we were together for 5 years, isn't that enough chances already? I didn't know how to answer. I was desperate. All that came out of my mouth was please. Please give us another go. Then several days passed with a blur. I'm extremely calm now. I know what I want. If she'd to ask me the same question again, I'd say, 5 years is an extremely short time. I want another 55 years with you. In the next year I will treat you better than all the 5 years combined. I'll cook breakfast for you. I'd save my stomach to have dinner with you. I've done that, I'll do it even more. There are so many things I wanted to complete together with her. There are so many recipes I wanted to cook for her. There are many places we have not captured photograph together before. There are too many many......

Enough with the self pity, I feel like pest already. To win her back, I need to treat her better. But I also need her to respond.

Diary oh diary 9-6-2013

I think I'm going insane. Another sleepless night for me.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Diary oh diary 8-6-2013

Bruno is right, if we were to leave somebody....we better leave some morphine at the door cause it'll take a whole lot of medication. It's not enough to think of her while waking, she came into my sleep. We were attending toastmasters meeting together again. Together as in together again. It was a sweet dream which I didn't want to wake up....but reality beats dreams anytime.

Some websites says, workout can help the situation. So I went to gym today. Worked the hell out of myself. Guess what, it didn't work. She was in my mind the whole time. The whole damn time. I'm tired.

And thus I took myself to a dinner place where she used to live. A place where we started. So much changes happened around that area. There were new terrace houses built nearby but the house she used to stay was still around. Less wild dogs nearby though. And things between us also changed. Our frequent-ed spot was where I dined. Ordered the usual soya drink with wan than mee. Life was much simpler then. We were young with not much achievements but at least we had each another. The traffic jam through and back was bad...reminding me that's exactly what I used to do, for her. I don't do that anymore. I've changed.

Looking at my mobile every 5 minutes seems like a routine exercise already. I want to know more about her now. She's working real hard her back hurting? Perhaps another reason why we failed is because I do not know how to express myself. If I wanted to see her, just tell her I wanted to see her. If i'm angry, just tell her I'm angry. I didn't do all those. It may sound silly and not logical but if I was given a wish, I want a time machine. I will appreciate her more, I'll appreciate people around me more, my friends, my parents and my brother.

Today I didn't get to hear her voice. But she replied my good night :)

Yes Bruno, you're right. She walked eyes are just like the cloud now. Everyday it rains.

Diary oh Diary 8-6-2013

As predicted, couldn't sleep hence browse facebook to see if there's anything cheerful. The first post by someone familiar was her having fun singing with a bunch of colleagues. I'm really glad that she's not sober like me...but it feels really bad. Its a mixed feeling of wanting to see more of her and sucking it myself. I never knew that there'll be someday I can only watch her from afar. My heart is aching real bad now. Dairy oh dairy...what can I do to ease the pain? How can I stop the tears from flowing? How can I stop the emotional bleeding?

Diary oh Diary 7-6-2013

Have you ever missed someone dearly? It's like drinking a glass of cold water that causes brain freeze. All we feel is helplessness waiting for the pain to pass. The difference is, brain freeze is only momentary but this is...a continuous flow of pain.

I tried to drown myself in work just to keep my mind busy but to no avail as she cropped up every now and then. By now and then I mean every few seconds. Then i began to read and reread the conversations we had. To realize what went wrong, I had to visit the past. It was a mistake, I think of her even more  and building the already heavy feelings in my chest. I remember she said when she was in NZ, I didn't called. I did. It was ring ring card I bought and it was not cheap. I called and called and called. and I over reloaded the IDD card which until today, it has much surplus left. Our msn and facebook messages were lengthy and frequent. There was only once I did not replied her on time. The remaining vacant space we didn't said anything to each another was when she went to trip. What went wrong? Why did she said I never kept in touch with her? Did she missed me like I miss her now? Was she facing time distortion like what I'm facing now? Did every of her waking moment she thought of me? And why can't I recall all of these until now? This time instead of feeling accused, I felt stupid.

Lunch today was an involuntary action just like breathing. My hands guided the spoon stuffing whatever my subconscious mind ordered automatically into my mouth before the robotic chewing begun. Swallow followed. I shot out of the office first thing it dismissed to find myself a quite place for a short chill before dinner. I thought of the car but instead I found myself in the toilet vomiting. I think I'm loosing it again. The only cure for all this madness is her voice. And so I called.....

TO MY DELIGHT SHE PICKED UP! We had some short conversation and my mind was fixed. It was like having a jab directly to the heart at the moments of our death and that voice was much needed.

In the end I got myself a movie ticket to release some tension and it was the first time I went into the cinema and came out with the same set of mood. I didn't know what the movie was showing. I kept on pressing the wake button of my phone just to see if there's any message that came in. There wasn't any.

Every waking moment I think of her.

In the office I overheard my colleagues conversation saying, sleep earlier. When we wake up it's already tomorrow. That's how time passed without us aware of it. I'll put it to practice tonight see if really time can heal the wound.

Tonight is another night of good night bidding went unanswered.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Diary oh diary 7-6-2013

Diary oh diary. I don't have a habit of telling you anything, and tonight seems to be the first night I've met you. Hi there, nice to meet you. I have much to tell you, where shall I start?

I read somewhere says that it'll feel better if we talk to someone when we're down. Then I realized that I have no one else to talk to. Not exactly no one are willing to listen but I simply am not ready to pour myself over to the others. After all, it's my problem.

Truth is this is the second night I've lost her. It's my fault. I have taken too much on my plate to have any space for her. I have achieved so much in everything else but not in our love. I gained so much but still had so much to lose. It's time for me to put everything down but was already too late. The effect of the past is always irreversible. First lesson learnt, I need to do what's right now but not build another hole to stuff in the future. 

The pain is excruciating. There's not a moment that's past I did not think about her. It's ironic we only learn to treasure those we've lost. And from this experience I get to know the other side of myself...that I too, can break down and cry. For only 2 nights ago, I've lost her, my sanity for a brief moment and the control over myself.  

And surprising enough, even though suffering from so much agony, the heart continues to beat. The only comforting thing is she still replies my messages. Extremely short replies from the massive arrays that I have sent but at least....I know she's okay. Before writing to you, I bid her good night. Just to push my luck for another time of her name appearing on my mobile...hahahah...who am I to fooled? Have I really slept well these few night? Will I be able to tonight? .... 

Seems like it's going to be another long night ahead. I wonder is this how she feels like when I was not there for her? 

p/s: there's not return on the good night bidding. :(