Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Diary Oh Diary 30-7-2013

I have tried everything I could to stop myself from thinking of her. Doing things that I wouldn't do. Going places away from here, away from the people I can connect with her, meeting new friends, leaving this country, nothing worked. Even when I went to a far away country where people speaks a different language, a place where she'd never go, I dreamt about her. I dreamt about us shopping at familiar places. I dreamt about how happy we were. And I dreamt about her again and again. In the most recent dream I tried to ask her our for a dinner together. She didn't want to. It's very similar to reality, until today she's avoiding me. She says she's very busy with a lot of things, she had no time. But she had time for badminton and everything else's but me. This a a cruel reality of a separation. 

The harder that I tried to forget about her, the more I remember. Going pass the places we were reminds me about us used to be there. I look at the diner and saw us sitting on the table like we did. What can I do to ditch those memories? What can I do to not be this pathetic. Do I have to leave this place for good? 

My recent method was to indulge into making myself bigger. In these 2 months, I have gained 8kg. I have countless of times lifting way heavier than my body could, and I have countless of times hurt myself in the process. It's ok. Those pain are nothing as compare to the injuries I have at heart. It's amazing that I could add another 5kg to the weight and complete another set while shouting her name in my heart. Fantasizing her cheering for me gave me an extra boost to keep going. If she's in deed there, will I be able to do the same or more? Perhaps I'd drop the set and rush myself to embrace her. My gym mates were saying that I'm hurting myself. I'm over doing it and I needed to slow down. The don't understand. I'm trapped, and I need a way out. This is my way out. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Diary oh diary 17-7-2013

Dear diary, i heard that she's quite busy lately. With her colleague leaving, she's taking over the load. Work's been tough for her. Knowing that this is coming, I hope it's not a reason for her to give up on us just to have more time and opportunity on the job. Deep inside I pray that this is not the case because if it is, it'll break my heart further. She's a known workaholic to me and if she're to continue this way, in the end of the road will be a lonely junction. I'm fortunate enough to learn about this at a young age, I am at a lonely junction now. I hope she won't be.

Lunch today was my department visit to the old folks home. Even though the tour was short but it was enough to trigger me to donate all the cash in my pocket. The little money was given a way in hope that I'll be able to buy some comfort in my heart. Who knows, one day this might be my home. The future is hard to predict, I just have to do what's best at that moment itself. Planning no longer works for me.

Previously I took it for granted that we can always have dinner together. Currently it's impossible to get her for a catch up drink. My status in her heart has dropped from the top to nowhere to be seen. It's disheartening and it's sad. How much can you hate someone you once loved? I can't. Last night was a terrible evening where I felt like I'm under certain drug addiction and had to hear her voice at least once. I was lying on my bed feeling sick over the flu and at the same time, feeling sick over missing her. My sleeping posture doesn't seem like able to cater for any comfort even though switching numerous combination and style. Finally I decided to give her a call at around 9pm. Nobody picked up at the other end.

With some faint hope, I waited...and waited....and waited....time crept over slowly.....I woke up to the morning, unsure how much had I really slept. All I knew was my mind kept on playing the pictures of us going places, remaking the memories made. It was like watching my own movies being played, rewind, and replayed. Only there wasn't joy where it was when the images were created. Dragging myself up like a zombie to work seems like another routine now. How long will I last in this state?

I'm blessed that she gave me a message at 8.49am saying that she had her phone silent therefore couldn't hear my call. At 8.49am, my world started spinning again. It's silly such a simple message could brighten my day. Does she know how much she mean to me? Without her, my sun doesn't set, it's extinguished. My world's dead.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Diary oh diary 13-7-2013

13-7-2013 has ended. What happened today?

I woke up in the morning to conduct a fumigation audit in my exployer. It's amazing that I can still remember the details of the audit and the crucial informations after so long. I guess some skills are die hard and will follow us to the grave. 

Noon was my hardcore workout session. After a meal, my body was feeling lazy and movements were lethargic. But I continue pushing and telling myself that its all mental. In the end, after counting, I have done more sets and lifted heavier. I made sure that my body felt sore and my arms and legs couldn't not longer lift another rep before giving up. In deed our body can take more load that we knew. The protein mixture was too sweet for my taste, but it did boost up my energy and allowed me to lift another time before failure. I kept on reminding myself that, the drink is not for my tongue but it's for the pecks. 

And buffet dinner for the appreciation were noisy. The convention gang met again for a little catch up. I took a seat closest to entrance and found myself kept looking if she's arrive. She was late. Seeing her this evening made my heart rushed. The night did not last long before my emotion gave in....that's the cue for me to leave. To my best of luck, I found her alone at the dessert bar. With much courage, I invited her to my car so that I can pass her the gift I have prepared with much tears. I told her that I'm sincere and waiting to get back with her. She left out a sigh but did not oppose. And I told her, if she needs time, I'll give her time.....I saw her left with the gift hoping she'll read and like it. As I told everyone I had somewhere to go, I didn't. I just needed a quiet place so that I can cry alone. Again, nobody needs to see or know that. 

It took awhile to finish tearing and calm myself down. And it's time to go home. Upon reaching home, there's a motorcyclist luring on the floor unable to lift himself up. He's helpless. As I took part in the 3 men aiding session, I felt some deep satisfaction and got part of my heavy heart lifted. I have helped some helpless guy today. Life is short, we wouldn't know what will happen to us tomorrow or the day after. How long will my emptiness lasts? Isn't here any aid to my own helplessness? 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Diary oh diary 9-7-2013

Finally, the present is here. I was under the impression that it'll take much longer than that. Am I ready enough to meet with her and tell her how i feel? Should I let her know how long I have prepared this gift for her?

I'm excited. The first thing I did was to message her asking her out for dinner. She was in KL having training. From the message replies, it sounded like she's still angry over me. Perhaps she's not. One thing I have learnt is that sms always delivers emotion inaccurately. I would like to take it for granted this time. And so I waited until after dinner to giver a call hoping I can at least talk to her. Ask her how she is recently and set a date for our future dinner. She was not convenient to have this regular chat, and she said she'll call me back. I have waited, waited and waited. My phone remained silent. It's very demotivating.

For the days where I couldn't meet with her, I always made it a point to give her a call first thing reaching home. My call would reach her the moment I step out of the parking lot. I always wanted to listen to her voice before proceeding to the night ahead. We were so close once, she's always asking for another 5 minutes on the phone. And I obeyed. She couldn't understand why I needed to give her a short call and hang up after that and a call before sleep. That's because I was tired after work but I wanted to hear her voice nevertheless. Now I can no longer hear her voice. That's sad for me. It's down for me to know that something else has replaced my space in her heart. Sadness is mine, I hope she's happy.

I'm tugging in the gift made for her close to my chest, where it's aching the most right now. Somebody, please save me.

Diary oh diary 9-7-2013

Dear Diary, things become clear right now. Many teary nights had passed and they had washed away any murky thinking I was having. Finally I have decided to hop on a plane and travel to the adventure I was planning all this while. Flight tickets was bought. Itenery and schedule planned. Money prepared. I'm hoping I can find some sort of new culture from this journey. I hope I can find a new purpose in life. I hope it's true that if we do something that we'll never do, some different outcome will turn out. It's like Steve Job preached, "think different". The past 2 weeks I was highly unpredictable. All this while I was already like this. Nobody could've guessed what I was thinking and what I was about to do. It was fun. 

Perhaps being too busy and taking up all the burdens had caused a change in me. I became boring and predictable. I became not caring and selfish. Being unpredictable is fun. Of coarse l took care of the daily business before going away. Sales target will be hit this month. Daily chores will be completed. Many had asked, why not wait alittle longer? What's the rush? I had to find a purpose, a reason to continue going. I had to see things from a different perspective. Why am I on this world? I'm given this much time and strength, what am I going to do about it? Will I continue to dwell in the thoughts of her? That's why I cannot wait. I'm not leaving as a tourist. I'm leaving as a souls seeker. 

I still dream of her daily, there are times I checked on the phone constantly thinking to myself, this is the time normally she'd ring me up. The difference is this time, my phone remained silent. Will this get away sees a different me? A stronger me? I have no idea. While others might see this act as foolish, I see this as a perfect timing. After all, Steve said, he saw all this as genius. After all, doing things the same way and hoping on a different result is simply insane. Lets pray, I'll find myself. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Diary oh diary 3-7-2013

Hey Diary, recently I have the appetite of a beast. Not sure is it because of oh my frequent gym work out or I'm out of control. What's true is my body constantly tell me that I need more food. Here's how much I eat:

Breakfast: Half Boil Egg with Toasted Bread + Milo + Nasi Lemak
Lunch: Full Set Lunch
Tea: Ice Cream with Cookies and Chocolate
Dinner: Fish & Chips and a big plate of Roasted Pork Rice

I'm constantly hungry. With this much food, I need to burn more to build muscle. I'm afraid that I'll become fat. Let's hope I wont. From the USB Microscope, we found that there are some follicles forming on my scalp. Soon, new hair will spawn but the numbers of follicles are scarce. Not as much as I expected. There are many things I can change, my body build, my attitude, my mentality but not my scalp. This is disappointing.

During lunch my boss asked me, for Ipoh convention where are you staying? Apparently they're renting an apartment and reserved a space for me. It means our separation is that obvious. Everyone always knows. Is it my pathetic self control that gave it away?

Tomorrow is the full month of our break up. In this whole month, i kept asking myself the same question "if we're together again, could I put her as number one in my heart?". There's no point of being together if I cannot answer this question. I understand that a positive answer would mean a promise for the lifetime. It mean I have to put everything aside whenever she needs me. I thought and thought hard. Today I found the answer, "yes, I am already doing that". She's always on my mind. Everything became clear when I look deep into my heart. I wonder, what she's doing right now?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Diary oh diary 2-7-2013

At raining night like this is extremely lonely for me. No idea the reason behind, perhaps it's the cold temperature. And I miss her extremely much. There's no point sulking alone feeling miserable. I shall work the hell out of myself. I shall do as much push up as possible until my muscles fail me. This might be a good way to channel all my energy towards something beneficial. Because when I'm about to give up and let go, I think of her and somehow I can summon the extra strength to push myself up for another time.

I started to feel the change in me. Recently I had opened my mouth a lot less and listened a lot more. I have learnt to observe the others movement and began to understand why they did they things the did. Seeing things in a different perspective did opened up my mind. There're so much for me to learn. I'm feeling so small and so insignificant as compared to the whole wide world. Life is short, I must experience as much as possible before passing on. And I hope she'll be able to see the changes in me. What is she doing right now. Has she been eating well, is her back still aching?

I'm not sure if she noticed, during the rain I'll make sure she's covered on the other side of the umbrella. Part of my shoulder will be wet. Every time. And she'll always walk on the inner side of the road. I do not know if this small little things are called caring, but I know this is the way to protect her.

My palms are getting rough as a result from all the gym session. People said it's more manly that way. I wanted to do all those so that I can have a better shoulder and chest to embrace her. I want to have a stronger arms to carry her burden with. But I'm not sure if the day will come. All I can do is to prepare myself. I'm unable to let go, for me to carry on meaning to make a better me for her. Because, I couldn't find strength on the other side.

Finally the gift is ready and sent for production. For many many night I have prepared this, and for all the occasion I progressed with teary eyes. It's nothing expensive but it's something from my heart. It's a small gesture to tell her that she has made a difference in my life. I can't wait for its arrival, and I can't wait to hand it to her personally. How things turn out doesn't matter, what's important is for her to know that there's a person waiting for her return. There's someone willing offer her a shoulder when she needed comfort or feeling tired. There's someone always loving her.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Diary oh diary 1-7-2013

July 1st, 2013. Today marks the end of toastmasters term 2012/2013. Today I should be celebrating. We both has achieved the highest recognition the toastmasters movement can offer that is "President's Distinguished Area" award. This award is wanted by many area governors out there which they might not be able to achieve no matter how hard they try. Somehow this doesn't bring any meaning to me anymore. I'm not a single bit excited nor proud. Instead I'm mourning over the end. If possible, I would exchange everything I have to get back together with her.

Not a night has passed where I don't dream of her. She's with me every night. And every morning I wake up looking forward for the day to end. I'm looking great and doing great at the surface. Every single tasks that I have completed was "necessary" and "good for my future". Every display was expected from me. But all of them brings no meaning. I'm living like a robot, completing routine and waiting for my time to come and scrapped.

A close friend of mine to me he was talking to her, she said we ended because she's changed. Actually that's not true. I knew what she wanted just that I was too ignorant to care. I guess everything is too late now. The ship has sailed and I'm not a good swimmer. All I do is drown in this river of sorrow. Only in my dreams I'm happy, because I'm with her. How I wish I never wake up forever to this cruel world. How I wish I no longer need to wear a fake smile. I think this world is a better place without me. I sure it'll move on, because it always does.

I have completed the gift tonight with much tears shed. It's unbelievable that I can cry so much for her. I need to put in one more try. Happiness is own sought, it can't be bought, waited nor negotiated. I can more or less guess that it'll be a grim outcome. If it is, I think it's time for me to disappear. I'll be somewhere far away. Nobody needs to see the melancholic that's hanging above me. Nobody needs to know the frequent me hiding somewhere crying as loud and as much as I can. I'm not strong, I am weak.